Recovery from a devastating disease like breast cancer is a long and challenging road that frequently involves making peace with lots of change—different bodily sensations, altered abilities, different goals and perspectives. Rather than a return to “business as usual,” recovery is often a process of accommodation.
All that adaptation and accommodation applies to sex as well. Sometimes, the goal is not so much to regain the “before” experience as to redefine, along with your partner, what sex means “after” cancer. To start from now with patience and hope, because whatever your starting point, you will improve. That’s the resounding message from other survivors who have faced the same journey: “Don’t give up,” and “You are not alone.”
As you reconstruct the contours of your life, of which sex is a critical part, here’s a toolkit that might help you get started and might also help sex to be more comfortable.
First, some ideas to consider as you begin to reclaim your sexuality:
Self-image is a huge hurdle for most women who’ve had breast cancer, even after reconstruction surgery. Everything feels different, and sometimes there’s no feeling at all. According to a 2011 study of 1,000 survivors of breast cancer, co-author Mary Panjari, of Australia’s Monash University, found that women with body-image issues (and who doesn’t have issues with body image?) were much more likely to report sexual function problems.
Perhaps it’s comforting to know that, while you struggle with the psychological and physical scars of your illness, for most partners, the way you look isn’t a problem. “In our study, we asked women if they thought their partner felt differently about their appearance and the majority said, ‘No different.’ But the women felt differently about themselves,” says Panjari. Again, you’re not alone, and there are steps you can take:
- Consider finding a support group for cancer survivors, and not just for advice on sex. Some women like them; others don’t, but at least give it a try.
- Consider couples therapy. As a couple, you need to figure out a path forward, sexually speaking. He may worry about hurting you or pressuring you. You may be consumed by how you look or experiencing loss of desire and sensitivity, vaginal dryness, numbness. And your medications may exacerbate your condition. Finding a sex therapist who can walk you through these changes could be your best gift to yourself and your relationship.
- Exercise when you feel ready. A regular workout will help you tone muscles, lose weight, and feel stronger and more capable. It gets more blood to your brain and your bottom, and it releases endorphins, the feel-good neurotransmitters in your brain. Simply feeling confident and capable can help stimulate your sex drive.
- Masturbate. This primes the pump. You can get lubrication going and see what feels good where. “Masturbation is a normal form of sexual activity and release,” says Dr. Marisa Weiss, founder of Breastcancer.org. “I tell my patients it’s a form of exercise and conditioning for the vagina—which has suffered considerable change and lack of use during breast cancer treatment.”
- Remember: Breasts are only one part of a whole-body experience. Don’t focus on the tree when you have an entire forest to explore.
Now for that toolkit. These are items every postmenopausal woman should have on hand—they’re just more important for breast cancer survivors.
- Vaginal moisturizer. This is for regular, daily use, not just for sex. It conditions the vagina and keeps the tissue healthy and moist
- Lubricant. Use this lavishly in your vagina for extra lubrication during sex.
- Pillows. Lots of pillows for soft support where you need it. If a position feels ouchy, try cushioning the area with a pillow.
- Erotic movies and other scene-setting paraphernalia—candles, incense, music.
- Sexy attire. If you need to start out—or stay—clothed for a while, get sexy lingerie that covers the strategic parts.
- Read the information about vaginal comfort and genital sensation on my website: middlesexmd.com and the very helpful blog posts about sex after cancer by our own medical advisor, Mary Jo Rapini.