Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘The Good Stuff’ Category

Wanting What You Have: The Love/Desire Paradox

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , on May 8, 2013 | Leave a Comment »

In the beginning, there was passion. Your feelings were almost painful. You wrote long letters and sent silly gifts and spent hours in whispered conversations on the phone. A lifetime ago. Remember?

Then came the long familiar years. You settled into a cozy, secure routine. You finished each other’s sentences; you knew the next move, the habits, the vulnerabilities, the quirks and preferences.

But what happened to the passion?

Psychotherapist Esther Perel has spent her career studying the sexual language of long-term, committed couples. She’s pondered the dynamics of the love/desire dialectic, and she’s identified the qualities that keep the sexual spark alive over the years. In a recent talk, she discussed her work with exceptional lucidity. You may intuitively know what Perel has to say, but few of us have articulated it so clearly. In any case, it’s good to be reminded—and challenged.

Desire and love are paradoxical. They’re mutually exclusive. Love, says Perel, is to have. It’s associated with security, with safety, with roots and foundations. To love is to know the beloved and to be known. But this contented intimacy isn’t a necessary component of good sex, “contrary to popular belief,” says Perel.

To desire, on the other hand, is to want. Desire craves adventure, novelty, risk. We desire mystery, the unattainable, the 50 Shades kind of guy.

Trouble is, we want both love and desire. We want security and passion. Intimacy and mystery. Safety and risk. So how can these opposing drives coexist in a marriage? How can we settle into the mature love of a long-term relationship without losing the hungry edge of desire that brought us together in the first place? How can we achieve the ideal of a “passionate marriage,” which fans the flame of desire within the intimacy of commitment?

As she studied couples around the world, Perel asked them when they found themselves most attracted to their partner. She heard variations of the same theme:

  1. When they reunite after an absence.
  2. When watching the other from a distance when the partner is completely engaged in an activity. “When I look at my partner, radiant and confident, [is] probably the biggest turn-on across the board,” says Perel.
  3. When there are no demands and no needs.  “Caretaking is mightily loving,” says Perel. But, “it’s a powerful anti-aphrodisiac.”
  4. When there is some novelty or newness. “When he’s in his tux,” said one person. Substitute cowboy boots, or a toolbelt, or motorcycle leather.

In these situations, there is a shift in perspective from the familiar to a sense of separation and distance. It’s the Proustian “voyage of discovery [that] consists, not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.”

Desire is a dialog we have with committed love. It’s a duet, a dance. The dynamic may be paradoxical, but both are necessary if a long-term relationship is to remain vital. It’s the language of poetry and mystery rather than of process and technique. Desire is more complex than bedroom gymnastics.

From her experience in studying and counseling couples, Perel has distilled several qualities that erotic couples seem to have in common. These aren’t on many “how-to” lists; they have more to do with essence than with activities. They may not be easy to incorporate because they’re not as straightforward as establishing a “date night.” But the concepts she delineates are worth some thought.

  1. Give each other some erotic privacy. Maybe this is the space that preserves mystery. It allows the other some personal freedom to explore. It acknowledges that you aren’t joined at the hip; that there is difference and distance. “Erotic privacy may mean different things to different people,” writes Pamela Madsen, author of Shameless. “It may mean the privacy to look at pornography and not share some desires with our partners. It may mean the possibility of exploring ourselves within agreed upon boundaries without our partners.”
  2. Foreplay isn’t optional. It isn’t a five-minute, pre-sex duty. “Foreplay pretty much starts at the end of the previous orgasm,” says Perel. These relationships cultivate a sense of erotic anticipation.
  3. Check the “good girl” at the door. Desire is selfish. You aren’t responsible for organizing or orchestrating. “Responsibility and desire just butt heads,” says Perel.
  4. Passion has seasons. Like the moon, it waxes and wanes. It will return, but keep on having sex in the meantime. “Willful, non-spontaneous sex,” says Madsen.

“Committed sex is premeditated sex,” says Perel. “It’s willful. It’s intentional. It’s focus and presence.”

To hear Perel’s talk in its entirety, visit the TED website here. This twenty minutes may be the best gift you could give your relationship today.

Read Full Post »

Priming the Pump for Better Orgasms

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , , on April 30, 2013 | Leave a Comment »

I never knew what it meant to prime a pump until I watched a plumber work on one at my cottage. To prime a pump means to pour a little water into its fill cap to create suction and, with luck, to pressurize the thing so it draws water rather than spurting air.

The hydraulics metaphor may be more appropriate for men, but I’m betting that some of your orgasmic pressure has leaked out over the years, too. Or, maybe it wasn’t very dependable to begin with. According to some studies, from 25 to 50 percent of women have trouble achieving orgasm.

There are, however, ways to repressurize your orgasmic system—techniques that may help get the sexual juices flowing again. It’s not magic—there is still no pink Viagra that guarantees an orgasm, given that the female sexual response cycle is a lot more complicated than a water pump.

If your orgasmic mechanism needs a little priming, here some holistic ways to repressurize.

  1. Exercise. (I heard that groan.) Good orgasms require good circulation to keep all that oxygenated blood flowing to your genitals. Aging does a number on the blood flow and nerve endings in the genital area, making them sluggish and less responsive.  Exercise helps maintain good circulation. It also keeps blood circulating nicely to the brain, which, as we’ve said, is really your biggest sex organ.
  2. Kegels. C’mon. These are easy and painless (there are tools available), and they do you a lot of good. Kegels tone and strengthen your pelvic floor muscles; those muscles keep you from leaking urine when you sneeze as well as holding your internal organs in place. Strong pelvic floor muscles also create a firm “vaginal embrace,” which is nice for your man, but also gives you a more powerful orgasm.
  3. Check your medications. Several categories of drugs are libido killers, including some antidepressants, but also some drugs that reduce cholesterol and high blood pressure. If you suspect that your meds may be messing with your sex drive, talk to your doctor.
  4. Masturbate. You need good circulation down there, right? Self-pleasuring helps. It also helps you identify what you like and how to “do it” the way you like it—so you can tell your partner.
  5. Get a vibrator and other sex toys. There are all sorts of physical reasons to use a vibrator. (See #4 above.) Toys may help you release some inhibitions and learn to play.
  6. Drink a little (not a lot.) Sharing a little pre-sex cocktail can create a cozy sense of intimacy and also help lower your inhibitions. Drinking too much is a libido-killer. Share a glass of wine in front of the fireplace and move the action to the bedroom—or keep it by the fireplace.
  7. Fantasize. Think of it as your personal romance novel. You can sleep with anyone you want and do anything you want. You’re only limited by your imagination. Fantasy helps some women “get into their heads.” Try it.
  8. Positions. If you’ve been using your vibrator, you know where your sweet spots are, and the missionary position often misses them. Try the back entry “doggie-style” position which is good for hitting the G-spot, although not so good for the clitoris, or try sitting on his lap, which is good for all kinds of things.
  9. Foreplay. If you take seriously Esther Perel’s statement that, for erotic couples, “foreplay pretty much starts at the end of the previous orgasm,” you may extrapolate that good sex arises from consciously introducing sensuality into your relationship in a sustained way. Touch. Snuggle. Sextext. Write love notes. Introduce beauty and sensuality into your life that might leach into lovemaking as well.
  10. Have sex. This cannot be repeated too often. The more you have it, the more you want it, and the better at it you become. As one happily married husband said: “Practice, practice, practice.”

Read Full Post »

More from the Trenches

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , on February 19, 2013 |

In a previous post Dr. Susan Kellogg Spadt, a MiddlesexMD medical advisor, described some of the impediments to sexuality that she sees affecting women as they age. The list, which began with internalized ageism, sexual scripts from our families of origin, and low self-esteem, continues in this post…

Performance anxiety. Men aren’t the only ones who worry about “performing.” All those physical changes to our sexual apparatus that are discussed on MiddlesexMD—vaginal dryness, pain, reduced sensation, lack of interest—can contribute to performance anxiety for women, too.

As one 52-year-old woman said, “I can no longer tell how my body is going to behave. It makes me nervous in bed.” As with men, this inability to trust or predict how your body will respond can affect your ability to enjoy or your desire to have sex. Some women (and some men) just decide not to be sexual anymore.

Women need to know that there is help for these physical changes—again, all the things discussed on the blog and the website—such as moisturizers, lubricants, vibrators, and dilators. These tools can help us remain comfortable and familiar with our changing bodies, so that we’re less anxious when we’re with our partner.

Depression. Older women get depressed at somewhat higher rates than younger women. That’s what the research says. Not only that, but the side effects of some antidepressants include decreased desire, vaginal dryness, and delayed orgasm.

So what’s a woman to do?

Talk to your healthcare provider. You need counseling for the depression, and if medications are affecting your libido, discuss alternatives with your provider. It’s not easy, but you could end up feeling better and enjoying sex again.

Lack of attraction to partner. Yes, I hear this from women—the spark is gone. They just aren’t attracted to their partner anymore.

Maybe the relationship was always difficult or lacked physical intimacy, and the couple stayed together for practical reasons. Or maybe physical changes due to the partner’s aging or illness have affected the woman’s physical attraction. According to the literature, this happens in both women’s heterosexual and lesbian relationships.

Fantasy is one way to mitigate the “turnoff.” Use your imagination to turn the frog into a prince. Sex therapy may be another aid to establishing intimacy.

Lack of partners. There’s no sex without a partner. Duh! Demographics and life expectancies being what they are, the older we get, the fewer our options for partners.

Some of us may be able to date casually or to self-pleasure for sexual release, but for others, this may not be an option. Again—no easy answer.

Making peace with the situation. “Normal” covers a lot of ground. And while we clinicians are always seeking to define it, the fact is that “normal” for one patient may be very different for another.

Despite all the impediments and changes, I’ve found that women generally find their way to a sense of equilibrium with regard to their sexuality. And we clinicians have to respect that.

You define what’s normal for yourself. If you are at peace with your decision to abstain from sex, then abstinence is normal for you. Likewise, if you choose to be sexually active well into your nineties, then that’s also normal.

However, if you experience frustration, anxiety, discomfort, or pain regarding your sexuality, then you should bring this up with your healthcare provider. We can help, and sometimes the solutions are simple.

Read Full Post »

View from the Trenches

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , , on February 15, 2013 |

Dr. Susan Kellogg Spadt on Sex and Aging

Have I mentioned recently what a great team of medical advisors is associated with MiddlesexMD? We regularly draw from the wisdom and experience of leaders in the field of aging and sexuality. In the next two posts, we’ll hear from Dr. Susan Kellogg, who is not only one of our esteemed advisors, but who also co-founded and directs the Pelvic and Sexual Health Institute in Philadelphia. Read on as Dr. Susan shares with us some of the barriers to sexuality for older women. And thanks, Susan!

In my practice I regularly see women in their 60s and 70s. What often impresses me is how unique each is in her experience of sexuality.

Some still like sex and remain sexually active, while others just aren’t interested—even if they have a functional partner.

Of course, there’s been a lot of research, mostly on the age-related changes men experience. I think this is because male sexuality is more straightforward. With women, as has been said elsewhere on MiddlesexMD, it’s complicated.

So, let’s look at some of the impediments to sexuality for women as they age.

Internalized ageism. We absorb cultural messages all our lives. They bombard us from the media, from religion, maybe from the region we live in or the ethnic group we belong to. The messages can be subtle (“Good girls don’t…”) or they can be in-your-face (“You’ve come a long way, Baby.”)

While the messages have shifted over the years, some are inconsistent and some remain the same. For example, one consistent message is that “real” men remain sexually active as they age. (Which, I’m thinking, can be pretty tough on men, too.) For example, an older man’s ability to attract (and, presumably, to satisfy) the “trophy” wife is a status symbol synonymous with wealth, virility, and power.

The messages are mixed for older women. It’s desirable to be a “cougar” in your 40s and 50s, but the ground shifts subtly after that. Despite the sexual older woman portrayed by the Golden Girls, or by Diane Keaton in Something’s Gotta Give, or Meryl Streep in Mamma Mia, the word on the street is that we older women ought to settle gracefully into our roles as the sexless Grandma. A foxy granny just doesn’t play well.

We, in turn, can be very sensitive to these cultural expectations, and we can allow them to define us. We can internalize them.

In fact, research suggests that gay men and heterosexual women are highly susceptible to internalizing cultural messages that equate aging with loss of interest in sex.

When we implicitly assent to the message that we’re old and therefore no longer sexually attractive or viable, it can affect our self-esteem and our experience of sex and intimacy. The message is false, and believing it is a shame.

Sexual scripts from families-of-origin. Just like societal messages, we absorb beliefs and assumptions about sex from our families. They can be deeply imprinted on our young minds, and they don’t have to be clear or verbalized. In fact, our families are often the first place we learned about sex.

Did our parents smooch and cuddle or were they cold and distant? Did sex seem natural and loving or was it something shameful and dirty? Did the sex stop at some point? Did they move to separate beds or separate bedrooms? Did this seem to be expected at a certain age?

Women commonly internalize direct and indirect messages about aging and sexuality from family members. Usually, we’re not even aware of it.

Low self esteem. It’s hard enough to maintain a strong sense of self-worth in this world without the added insult of getting old in a culture that absolutely idolizes youth and beauty.

We may have survived the adolescent jungle and our family of origin with, I hope, few scars. Many of us have struggled with self-esteem, and that struggle has only changed, not ended.

Now we’re hit with an entirely new challenge: how to maintain our confidence and positive self-image as we grow old in a culture that seems to have no use for us simply because we’re not young.

It’s unfair and it’s insulting, and it takes a strong sense of self to stand against that bias.

Unfortunately, for some women, feelings of low self-worth become an impediment to sex. I think this is why some women complain about feeling unattractive and losing desire. It’s hard to feel sexy when you feel dowdy and useless.

One client even said that when she saw her sagging breasts in the mirror she felt that she did not “deserve to have sex.”

The truth is, of course, that beauty has a lot more to do with confidence and creativity than with perfectly taut skin. Cover up the mirrors. Be proud of your wrinkles! You’ve earned them.

To be continued…

Read Full Post »

Sex and His Self-Esteem

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , , on February 5, 2013 | 3 Comments »

Ladies, sometimes we are just too full of ourselves.

Yeah, it’s tough growing older in a society that adulates youth. It’s especially distracting in bed: Does he see the cellulite on my thighs? When I’m on top, my belly sags like a pregnant dog, so let’s stick to the missionary position. While we’re at it, nothing stronger than a candle. One candle.

Of course, our secret vulnerability is that we yearn, in the secret recesses of our still-adolescent souls, to be desired. To have the person we love (or maybe someone who looks like George Clooney) think we are the most beautiful creature he’s ever seen. In such a way that we know it’s true.

And, of course, as we discussed before, everything in our culture, in our psyche, and maybe even from our family of origin rewards youth, beauty, and thinness. And we are not those things any more.

But what about men?

Aren’t they unscathed by cultural expectations about sex and intimacy? They created them, didn’t they? And they don’t have to be in the mood. They don’t have the same, um, unpredictabilities when it comes to getting it off in bed. Things are just more straightforward for guys.

Not really.

I’ve been doing some reading lately, and it’s given me a different perspective on Mars. The cultural messages and expectations they absorb almost from the cradle are equally potent and can be equally unrealistic and even damaging. And part of the message is that they aren’t supposed to talk about it. No whining, no complaints, just be a man. Get it up and get her on.

Consider this observation from a researcher who has interviewed men (and even more women) for many years: “… From the time boys are from eight to ten years old, they learn that initiating sex is their responsibility, and that sexual rejection soon becomes the hallmark of masculine shame.” She heard this from a man she interviewed:

“Even in my own life, when my wife isn’t interested, I still have to battle feelings of shame. It doesn’t matter if I intellectually understand why she’s not in the mood. I’m vulnerable, and it’s very difficult.” (From Daring Greatly by Brené Brown).

I encounter this sentiment repeatedly. Men are vulnerable too. Because they usually initiate, they can be rejected. And they’re “responsible,” not only for their own orgasm, but in some way for ours. After all, if they were slower or faster or lasted longer or were more skilled….

There’s a reason for performance anxiety in men. A lot is riding on that “performance.” They don’t articulate it, not even to themselves, but their self-worth is connected to “performing” well. And if we don’t get off, or, God forbid, if they don’t, the result is shame.

“A guy can’t get through the day without seeing an ad for an erectile stimulant, getting spam about some sort of penis enlargement pill, or hearing sexual tall tales from the guys in the locker-room,” says Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First. “We live in an age where a lot of guys feel like they have to make love like porn stars, and with all the cultural reinforcement, it’s hard to believe otherwise.”

When you think about it, ladies, who are the male role models put before our men and boys? Wouldn’t the Disney Princess counterpart for boys look something like GI Joe or the Terminator? And for men, according this Esquire list, it’s George Clooney (who “eats class for breakfast”) and Liam Neeson. (Actually, the list is incredibly thoughtful and diverse. Check it out.)

But the point is that social pressure on boys to be “men,” and how we define “manly” is every bit as intense and constricting as is the pressure on us to be young, beautiful, and thin. And performance in bed is absolutely integral to the definition of being manly.

“Sexual prowess is the Holy Grail of manhood,” writes Scott Alden. “More than success, more than athleticism, more than witty banter—if we’re not a killer in the sack, we’ve failed as men.”

Ouch.

But what is really sweet, actually, and vulnerable and heartbreaking is that the thing your man wants most—even if it’s buried deep inside under years of habitual behavior in bed and out—the thing your man want most, is to turn you on and to know that he did it.

Truth. Nothing is sexier to a man than to turn on the woman he loves.

“For men, there’s nothing sexier in a woman than awakened desire,” writes Alden. “We also have a deep-seated need to keep our mate committed to us, and pleasing her better than anyone else in the history of sex has ever pleased anyone would be a good way for us to do that.”

All of us—men and women—are stereotyped in unhelpful ways by our time and culture. We’d probably have a lot more fun if we understood the forces that form us and viewed each other with a little more compassion.

Read Full Post »

From the Top: A Starter Kit of Erogenous Zones

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , on January 24, 2013 | 1 Comment »

In my last post, I talked about the importance of touch and foreplay, and encouraged you and your partner to talk about where you like to be touched—and how. Here are some top erogenous zones, according to several sources I’ve run across. Use this as a starter kit, and let us know if you discover something new.

Starting from the top:

Head and scalp. Who doesn’t like a scalp massage? Our scalp is loaded with nerve endings and experts say massaging it releases endorphins. This may be more feel-good than erotic, but who cares? Use fingertips, then fingernails to mix things up.

Some lists mention kissing the forehead, which reminds me more of mommy, but that could be sweetly intimate as well. One woman mentioned an erotic link between her forehead and her lower back, which begins “aching to be touched” when her forehead is kissed. Hmmm. Worth a try.

And of course, there are the ears. Blow gently. Make small, firm circles with your fingers along the outer rim. Massage the earlobe. Does that feel good?

Neck. Exquisitely sensitive, even ticklish to some, the neck is worth exploring. Try tongue, fingers, light touch and other textures. “The moment between feeling breath then feeling lips, tongue, teeth is incredible. It’s the combination of anticipation and pleasure foreshadowing what’s to come,” says one woman in this Huffington Post article.

Armpit. I wouldn’t have thought of this one, but apparently, it’s a hottie. Try licking and a somewhat firm touch so as not to tickle.

Breasts and nipples. This body part is too obvious, but the thing about breasts and nipples is that the right touch is orgasmic and the wrong touch is downright painful, so you’ll have to teach your partner how you like it. This goes in spades for women who’ve had a mastectomy. Your partner needs to know if and how you like to be kissed or touched in this area.

Lower abdomen. This part can be highly erogenous for men and women. Use a feather or light touch in circles from the navel. Head south. Men especially like the anticipation of light touch on their lower abs. For men “…the area of the abdomen between the navel and pelvis is a fun area to tantalize, and as blood flows to the pelvis and sexual tension gathers, it’s a good area to simulate,” says Dr. Ian Kerner, a sex expert in New York City in this Woman’s Day article.

Mons. A little farther south on women, Dr. Michael Krychman, a medical advisor to MiddlesexMD, recommends attention to that little mound above our genitals. The mons “… can also be interesting when incorporated into the sexual repertoire. Caressing the hair area or gentle touch to this area can be exciting and pleasurable.”

Inner thigh. “The gift wrapping to his package,” says this source. I say that we women like erotic touch on our inner thighs, too. Breathe, kiss, stroke lightly. It all feels good. Pay special attention to what’s called the “cut lines” in men—those creases where thigh meets torso. Try licking or kissing his abdomen while stroking the cut lines. Kind of like rubbing your tummy and patting your head, but maybe worth the effort for him.

Back of knees. This is an oft-mentioned sensitive spot for both men and women, the back of the knees can be ticklish, and may be more sensitive in men because it’s less hairy. “Some women find this area especially exciting and pleasurable when showered with gentle touch or caresses,” says Dr. Krychman. Try using massage oil on the legs and thighs.

Feet. Ever the focus of fetishists, the feet have their own beauty and sensitivity. What feels better than a foot rub? (Okay. Maybe a scalp massage.) Some people have a direct sexy link from the arch of their foot or their heel. Others just like the yumminess of it all. Why not spend a night on feet?

Or, work up from the feet. Or start at the top and work down. Or… ?

Read Full Post »

Tickle Your Sexy Bone

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , , on January 21, 2013 |

You already know (you do know, don’t you) that the skin is your largest sex organ. We’ve talked about that, also about how important foreplay is now that we need a little more stimulation to get in the mood.

So let’s get specific about this whole skin thing.

Not all our parts are created equal: Some are ticklish; some are sensitive; and some are very willing to play along with our pre-sex games. We call these our erogenous zones. Since we have many of them, why not spend some time exploring this secret garden with our partner? I’m betting you’ll discover new ways to tantalize your mate as well as to become aroused yourself.

We are each unique. What turns you on may not excite your partner. A ho-hum move for you may electrify him. Men and women each have special turn-on zones that are unique to the gender. Cut lines for men; nipples for women, for example. Gentle touch may be more pleasurable in one place while another may require a firm hand or even a smack. Variations in touch and texture can also be exciting, so don’t overlook fur and feathers or heat and cold.

Women often wish their partner just knew what they like without having to be told (or shown), but let’s get over it. That may work for Christian in 50 Shades, but our real-world guys need a hint. Heck, you may not even know all your own sexy spots.

You and your partner could map out places on your bodies you’d like to touch and explore. Tell each other where you fantasize being touched just so. Make cards with the names of various erogenous zones and draw one or two randomly. Focus on those in your next love fest. Finally, and most importantly, let each other know when a particular touch feels good—or when it misses the mark.

In my next post I’ll list some top erogenous zones, according to several sources I’ve run across.

Read Full Post »

A Sexy Start to the New Year

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , on December 27, 2012 |

I don’t know about you, but celebrating New Year’s Eve has become as exciting as a dirty sock under the bed. What happened to the crazy parties with friends? What happened to Auld Lang Syne and champagne and… other stuff?

I’ll tell you what happened. Life and maturity happened. At some point, we decided it was silly to party like it’s 1999 and wake up with the baby at 6 a.m. And now I’m betting that a good number of us won’t even make it ‘til the ball drops. And really, that’s not so bad, is it?

So maybe you’re staring down a quiet evening at home. Or maybe you’ve chosen to welcome the New Year with a quiet evening at home. So why not make it special? Just the two of you.

Here are some ideas:

  • Have a pajama party. Dress in cozy nightwear. (No, not your raggedy footies. Get some nice but comfy nightwear.) Play board games—Scrabble or Monopoly. Have some yummy but healthy snacks ready. Dark chocolate is a must. Wine. Fruit. Here’s a list of foods with aphrodisiac qualities.
  • Brew up some special cocktails for the occasion. Maybe you have a drink you both love, but here are some romantic nightcaps if you want to try something new. Very rich hot buttered rum, anyone?
  • Have a romantic movie night. Cuddle. Make popcorn and hot chocolate. My favorite gottahaveit movie snack? Peanut M&Ms. Have a favorite? Here’s a great list to get you started. Others might include Gone With the Wind, An Officer and a Gentleman, Ghost, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Casablanca, Doctor Zhivago, or West Side Story.
  • Rent (or borrow) a cabin in the woods. Celebrate the New Year under a canopy of stars in the deep quiet of a snowy forest in front of a roaring fire. Naked. Make magic happen.
  • Go bubbly. If you have a jacuzzi (or even if you don’t), fill the bathroom with candles, incense, soft music, champagne, and a warm bubble bath for two.
  • Don’t stop at New Year’s Eve. Make a resolution to romance your honey all year long. This is the best list I’ve encountered for sincere, creative ways to let your partner know you love him or her.

Happy, Sexy New Year!

Read Full Post »

Music to Make Love By

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , , on December 19, 2012 |

A young woman I know went to the hospital to have a baby. She packed all the things she thought she needed to keep her comfortable during labor—a big ball to sit on; small balls for back pain, power bars and snacks for energy. She also loaded her iPod with a playlist of her favorite music.

I was expecting Vivaldi, maybe Bach, or some soothing Tchaikovsky. But what filled the room as she puffed her way through contractions was a mélange of rock tunes she had found comforting on the subway when she was nauseated “and everything else I was into at the time.” These included bands like Cat Power and Sun Volt.

Yeah, I’ve never heard of them, either.

We may associate certain music with a happy time of life—French songs we heard in Paris or the Latin beat of Havana. We may like the music we listened to in our youth. Or, we may have cultivated a taste for one genre or another later in life—jazz or opera, for example.

I vividly remember the first time I heard Aaron Copland’s Appalachian Spring in college. That began my love affair with classical music, which continues to this day.

One thing is certain—music is powerful. Just listening to it—and it doesn’t have to be the favs on our playlist—can trigger emotion, such as patriotism, sadness, joy, excitement; it can relieve pain and depression; it causes the release of various chemicals such as testosterone, oxytocin, and those feel-good endorphins, such as dopamine, according to this Time magazine article. In fact, music taps into the same neurochemicals as sex, according to a recent study in the journal Nature Neuroscience.

Since we humans seem hard-wired to respond to music, doesn’t it make sense to invite this powerful ally into the bedroom?

As we mentioned in previous posts about engaging all our senses during sex, music can help us “get out of our heads.” This is valuable all by itself. But music can also help us get in the mood. Music that has shared associations can make us feel close to our partner. Or, like Ravel’s Bolero (that quintessential piece to have sex by), it might track the crescendo of the action.

Ideally, your partner likes the same music as you do, but maybe you’ll have to stretch a bit to include his or her favorites. Or maybe you can recall special tunes that are significant to both of you.

Don’t use this as an opportunity to broaden your taste in music, however—this might not be the time to sample that heavy metal band your son told you about. What you want is music that’s familiar, whether it’s soothing, romantic, or energizing. What you don’t want is an unexpected clash of cymbals at an inopportune moment. You want to avoid jarring changes in tempo or volume. The music should either sound similar or transition gradually. You might also consider keeping the remote close at hand to click to the next song or turn the music off altogether if it gets too distracting.

The Internet is full of lists of sexy music, including (Whoot! Whoot!) a 50 Shades playlist. Amazon also sells downloadable and unadorned Music for Sex. (A little more nuance might be nice.) But in this sphere, the best music is your own, drawn from shared memories and personal taste. Whether it’s Aaron Copland or Buena Vista Social Club, country, R&B, or classic rock, make it yours.

So maybe sit down together tonight and compile your playlist of music to make love by. Let us know how it goes—and be sure to share with us what works for you.

Read Full Post »

Sex and More Senses

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , on December 14, 2012 |

In a previous post, we began exploring ways to engage all our senses when we make love. Today, we pick up where we left off.

Sight. Of all the senses, we humans rely heavily on eyesight. So why do we make love in the dark? Under the covers? With our eyes closed? Granted, we feel we look better in the glow of moonlight rather than the glare of incandescence. And closing the eyes helps us concentrate on the action at hand. Or mouth. Or whatever.

But we could use—or not use—our eyesight strategically to increase the pleasure of lovemaking.

To pleasure the sense of sight, make everything having to do with sex look beautiful. For example, that tray of aphrodisiacs we mentioned earlier should look as sensuous as it tastes. Your bedroom—or wherever you make love regularly—should be inviting, even sumptuous. Get rid of the clutter. Move the pictures of the kids to your office. Incorporate warm, sensuous colors and finishes. Use light strategically. Make it a pleasure to see and to be in.

The other way to deal with eyesight is not to use it. Eliminating one sense heightens the sensitivity of the others. Blindfold your partner and stimulate his or her sense of touch or smell in surprising ways. Touch with feathers or fur. Tease and back off. Not knowing what will happen next intensifies the experience.

Hearing. This is another of our sense that we don’t use enough during lovemaking. We’ll expand on this idea in a future post, but for now, think of ways to incorporate soothing, sexy, or energizing sound into the bedroom ritual.

Obviously, music is a powerful way to calm or motivate or rouse emotion. Use it as a pleasing tool during lovemaking to “get out of your head” or to bring yet another layer of sensuality to sex. You could also use the sounds of nature: pattering rain, bird calls, the womblike whoosh of the ocean. Experiment with sound and music to find what enhances and adds pleasure.

Some people also find it erotic to talk during lovemaking—erotically, lovingly, or sluttishly—whatever turns you on.

You might try reading aloud to each other—to get in the mood or to wind down after. This works best if you really know and love the piece rather than if you’re stumbling through it for the first time.

Remember how soothing and intimate it is to be read to? Read to your partner as an act of love. Poetry is especially powerful in its expression of emotion, passion, love, ardor, and beauty in ways that are lovely to hear. Plus, the lyric quality and rhythm blurs the line between poetry and music. And love is a common theme of poetry. She Walks in Beauty by Lord Byron brings me to tears. Or try the soaring How Do I Love Thee? by Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

What poem do you love? Share it with your lover.

Touch. This, of course, is the king of the sexual senses. In this realm, the skin is one, big sex organ, tingling with nerve endings and alive to sensation.

Bring a variety of textures and temperatures to your sexual routine. Alternate heat and cold on your lover’s skin. (Ice your hands, touch your partner’s skin, then warm them and touch again.) Use warming lubes, introduce bedsheets with different textures. Check out products to enhance touch in our online shop.

You could try out some 50 Shades action and tie your lover’s hands with a necktie or some nonstick bondage tape. Then you can have your way with him or her, touching wherever and however you want.

Sex, and all of life, is a sensual experience. Think creatively and lovingly in ways to engage all your senses, and I’m betting the sex will be more varied, pleasurable, intense, and fun. Plan an experience that will engage as many senses as possible. A sampler tray of aphrodisiacs, for example, should also appeal to the eye. Sensual linens and clothing can be beautiful to look at, as well to touch.

Or plan an encounter that focuses on one sense at a time—a crescendo of music, a cascade of scent, a blind taste test of lusciousness.

Above all, savor. The senses can’t be rushed. Plan a rendezvous that gives you time to indulge, to nibble, sample, sniff, listen, and feel. It doesn’t all have to happen at once. Or the same way. The senses offer a cornucopia of surprise and delight. In this realm, your only limit is your imagination.

Unleash your creativity and harness the power of your senses. Not only will the sex be better, but maybe you’ll sharpen your senses for the rest of life as well.

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 212 other followers

%d bloggers like this: