Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘female sexuality’

FDA Approves Drug for Sexual Pain

Posted in Condition News, tagged , , , on March 19, 2013 | 1 Comment »

Ladies, we have one more tool in the belt.

Last month, the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved a new drug to treat the vaginal and vulvar pain associated with loss of estrogen in older women.

That pain is called dyspareunia, and it’s caused by the changes in the vagina and genitals that occur when we lose estrogen during menopause. As we’ve said (often), our vaginal tissues become thin, dry, and fragile as our estrogen levels decline, which can make sex very uncomfortable. Dyspareunia is common, and it doesn’t get better on its own.

Until now, treatment options have included using moisturizers (regularly) and lubricants (before sex) or replacing estrogen, either topically in the vagina or through hormone replacement therapy.

Now there’s a pill that you take once a day.

Osphena is called a “selective estrogen receptor modulator,” or SERM. Although it’s not a hormone, it works like one in that it affects some estrogen-sensitive tissues, like the vagina and the uterine lining (the endometrium). The vagina will thicken and become less fragile while other tissues, such as the breast, are affected very little.

In a 12-week trial of almost 2,000 women here in the US, the researchers saw a “statistically significant improvement” in the pain level of the women who took it compared with a control group.

Of course, there’s no free lunch when it comes to pharmaceuticals. Some common and less-serious side effects include hot flashes, vaginal discharge, muscle spasms, and sweating. But a few uncommon and more serious side effects include blood clots, stroke, and vaginal bleeding that can indicate cancer of the endometrium.

That’s why the drug comes with a black box warning from the FDA, and why the FDA advises taking it in the smallest amounts and for the shortest time possible.

It’s also uncertain whether the condition will reverse itself once the drug is stopped.

Despite the scary black box, I’m thinking that Osphena gives us another option. It might not be our first choice for long-term use. It still isn’t the magic bullet for all menopausal ailments.

But it might provide a little short-term boost, for example, to make a woman with severe dyspareunia more comfortable until the moisturizers or the topical estrogen kicks in. And until her renewed sex life helps rejuvenate the vagina because sex, in case you forgot, “is beneficial for maintaining vaginal health,” says Dr. David Portman, lead researcher in the Osphena trials for safety and effectiveness.

Read Full Post »

Too Tired for Sex? Join the Club

Posted in Condition News, tagged , , , on March 11, 2013 | 1 Comment »

I was sitting in a tiny hut in Mexico talking with a dignified older gentleman. Outside the ramshackle house, the sun shone on the empty desert. The ocean lapped the nearby shore. There was no traffic, no noise, no shops, no phones.

“The Americans, the Germans, and the Japanese are the hardest-working people in the world,” the man said.

First, I was startled that someone in this very remote place would be so astute. Then I wondered: Is this a good thing?

With all our mobile toys, we don’t ever have to stop working in America. We can be connected 24/7. Maybe we can squeeze in a few extra obligations after-hours. Or, we might be caring for parents and children, and sometimes spouses and grandchildren. Even if we’re retired, we’re programmed to run hard and fast.

But look what it’s doing to us. We’re stressed; we’re overweight; and we’re dog-tired.

Sex life? What sex life?

Ian Kerner, a well-known sex therapist, cites a recent study by the National Sleep Foundation in which one-quarter of American couples say they’re often too tired for sex.

Mary Jo Rapini, one of our medical advisors, recalls encouraging a couple to take time for a romantic getaway. “Oh no, who’ll plan that for us?” they asked. Well, “usually the couple enjoys planning these things together,” she said.

“We don’t have the energy,” they responded.

Think of sex as the canary in the coal mine. It’s one of the first things to go when life gets out of whack. But if you ignore that quiet little loss, pretty soon the bigger stuff suffers, like good health and relationships.

If sex is just another obligation, or you’re too tired to even think about it, you need a life/work balance adjustment.

If you don’t have some other physical or psychological problem, such as a thyroid condition, chronic fatigue syndrome, serious relationship issues, or hormonal imbalance, you shouldn’t be too tired for sex.

So, if stress, overwork, overcommitment, and the general pace of life, has killed your libido, consider this:

Allow time for sleep. Right now. Nothing else matters if you’re chronically sleep-deprived. Re-assess your involvements. Try to delegate tasks. Cut back on work. (Doctor’s orders.)

“A good night’s sleep every night—more so than exercise and a healthy diet—keeps our sexual engines humming,” says Barry McCarthy, PhD, a Washington, D.C., sex therapist.

Give yourself an hour to unwind before going to bed in the evening. Turn off the TV and all the other screens. “It’s terrible to have a television in your bedroom, which should just be for intimacy and sleep,” says sex therapist Sherri Winston.

Spend that time relaxing with a book. Share a cup of herbal tea. Cuddle with your honey. Take a bath.

Exercise.  Regular, moderate exercise is part of the work/life balance thing. Can you walk 30 minutes a day? Maybe with your partner? Can you find a gentle workout video? (My favorite now is hot yoga, but I have friends who spend 20 minutes a day with our old pal Jane Fonda.)

Exercise makes you feel better. It helps you lose weight.

And guess what? It helps you sleep better.

De-stress. Yeah, I know this sounds impossible. But you have a choice: You can continue to worship at the altar of overcommitment, at which you will offer up your health, your intimate relationships, and your quality of life.

Or you can bring your life into a healthy balance, and probably live longer—and have a lot more satisfying sex.

Need more persuading? Stress releases cortisol, a hormone that decreases testosterone, of which we women have precious little in the first place. Thus, stress directly hammers our sex drive even before the sleep-deprivation sets in.

Follow your rhythms. If you’re exhausted at night, why not have a little afternoon delight? Or maybe sex in the morning? Testosterone levels naturally rise a little then, so that might be the opportune moment to turn up the heat. Caress and cuddle at night and save the sizzle for the morning.

Just do it. You know how you may not be in the mood, but a little nibble on the ear, a little stroke on the thigh… and, well,… maybe…

Libido is like a puppy. Give it some loving, and it will follow you home. And sex begets more sex. You have to do it to want it.

When I recall the tranquility I felt in that simple hut in Mexico, I wonder if we somehow took a detour on the road to the good life. Maybe we can learn something about simplifying, cutting back, enjoying the little things, and loving each other from people who don’t have many possessions, but who probably sleep very well at night.

Read Full Post »

More from the Trenches

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , on February 19, 2013 |

In a previous post Dr. Susan Kellogg Spadt, a MiddlesexMD medical advisor, described some of the impediments to sexuality that she sees affecting women as they age. The list, which began with internalized ageism, sexual scripts from our families of origin, and low self-esteem, continues in this post…

Performance anxiety. Men aren’t the only ones who worry about “performing.” All those physical changes to our sexual apparatus that are discussed on MiddlesexMD—vaginal dryness, pain, reduced sensation, lack of interest—can contribute to performance anxiety for women, too.

As one 52-year-old woman said, “I can no longer tell how my body is going to behave. It makes me nervous in bed.” As with men, this inability to trust or predict how your body will respond can affect your ability to enjoy or your desire to have sex. Some women (and some men) just decide not to be sexual anymore.

Women need to know that there is help for these physical changes—again, all the things discussed on the blog and the website—such as moisturizers, lubricants, vibrators, and dilators. These tools can help us remain comfortable and familiar with our changing bodies, so that we’re less anxious when we’re with our partner.

Depression. Older women get depressed at somewhat higher rates than younger women. That’s what the research says. Not only that, but the side effects of some antidepressants include decreased desire, vaginal dryness, and delayed orgasm.

So what’s a woman to do?

Talk to your healthcare provider. You need counseling for the depression, and if medications are affecting your libido, discuss alternatives with your provider. It’s not easy, but you could end up feeling better and enjoying sex again.

Lack of attraction to partner. Yes, I hear this from women—the spark is gone. They just aren’t attracted to their partner anymore.

Maybe the relationship was always difficult or lacked physical intimacy, and the couple stayed together for practical reasons. Or maybe physical changes due to the partner’s aging or illness have affected the woman’s physical attraction. According to the literature, this happens in both women’s heterosexual and lesbian relationships.

Fantasy is one way to mitigate the “turnoff.” Use your imagination to turn the frog into a prince. Sex therapy may be another aid to establishing intimacy.

Lack of partners. There’s no sex without a partner. Duh! Demographics and life expectancies being what they are, the older we get, the fewer our options for partners.

Some of us may be able to date casually or to self-pleasure for sexual release, but for others, this may not be an option. Again—no easy answer.

Making peace with the situation. “Normal” covers a lot of ground. And while we clinicians are always seeking to define it, the fact is that “normal” for one patient may be very different for another.

Despite all the impediments and changes, I’ve found that women generally find their way to a sense of equilibrium with regard to their sexuality. And we clinicians have to respect that.

You define what’s normal for yourself. If you are at peace with your decision to abstain from sex, then abstinence is normal for you. Likewise, if you choose to be sexually active well into your nineties, then that’s also normal.

However, if you experience frustration, anxiety, discomfort, or pain regarding your sexuality, then you should bring this up with your healthcare provider. We can help, and sometimes the solutions are simple.

Read Full Post »

Let’s Give Sex Role Scripts the Boot

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , , on August 27, 2012 |

Our culture sends lots of messages about sex, through TV shows and movies, articles, girlfriend talk, and “wisdom” from our mothers (some of it really was wise!). Some of these messages become self-perpetuating, whether or not they have any basis in fact. Here are three in particular that I hear and wish would go away:

  • Men like sex more than women do.
  • Men are always ready for sex.
  • Men should always initiate sex.

What I don’t like is the ways in which these statements can be internalized in ways that affect women’s own sexuality, that lead them to second-guess or doubt what they’re really feeling or wanting. Every woman’s sexuality is individual—and, to be fair, every man’s is, as well.

Let’s take those statements one by one.

There was a time when women were reputed to “suffer through” sex, just to keep their husbands happy. There wasn’t a lot of understanding of the mechanics of women’s pleasure, which, thank heavens, has changed by now. The women I see in my practice like sex and recognize it’s an important part of their lives—which is why when they have problems, they’re looking for solutions.

The other issue I’ve got with us thinking men like sex more than we do is that we’re more likely to let them off the hook. For foreplay, for example, which we need more of as our hormone levels change. What we certainly have in common with men is that we both like good sex, although our definitions of that may differ. And that, by the way, is one more reason to talk about what we like and what we’re willing to do.

Men “always ready for sex” is another one that makes me crazy. Call me a radical, but my experience says that men are people, too. Where I see this one get women in trouble is that in the absence of open communication about sex in a relationship, we start to imagine reasons why our partner may not be in the mood. We miss cues about his overall health. We start to look at ourselves more critically, to notice the extra pound or the new sag, to lose perspective on the inevitable imperfections in our relationships, even to have a sneaking suspicion, sometimes, that our partner is finding affection somewhere else. Stop! Ask! Men get headaches, too, and they get distracted by deadlines at work, projects in the garage, and family drama.

And that brings us to the final “myth,” that men should always initiate. That is the way most of us were raised: We had to wait for the boy to call, stand on the sidelines until he asked us to dance, see when he would attempt that first kiss. Whether or not that’s still true for our daughters and granddaughters, it certainly doesn’t need to be true for us in our relationships. Did you feel some sympathy for those poor boys, facing the potential of rejection? Did you feel some envy for their position of power?

Well, it’s about time to share both in your relationship, if you haven’t already. If you’re in the mood, show your interest by taking the first step. Flirt. It’s fun, it’s empowering, and it will send all kinds of arousal cues to your body. And there’s nothing more “ladylike” than that. Your partner will be flattered and receptive (and if not in this moment, see above: he’s human, and there will be another time!).

I’m not going to debate whether these messages are myths or truisms. What I will do is encourage you to live your own script. Set aside what doesn’t fit for you, regardless of how many times you’ve heard the messages. Sex is a wonderful part of an intimate relationship, and both partners can invest equally in keeping it vibrant! It’s one of life’s greatest pleasures. And that’s a message I’ll keep spreading.

Read Full Post »

Helen Gurley Brown: Feminist under Cover

Posted in See Also, tagged , , , on August 21, 2012 |

Before Sex and the City, before Gloria Steinem, before Jane Fonda, there was Helen Gurley Brown. She was the creator of the iconic Cosmo Girl, wearer of organza and décolletage, and advocate of a woman’s right to a career, sex, and life on her own terms.

It may be hard to remember or to appreciate how radical her approach to a woman’s place in the world was as we look back through the lens of rapid change in women’s rights and cultural expectations.

In the old-school world that Helen Gurley Brown faced in the 1950s and 60s, women had only grudgingly been granted the right to vote. She did not come upon the scene with either pedigree or good looks. (She called herself a “former mouseburger… not beautiful or even pretty… not bosomy or brilliant,” although others said she was “obsessed with boobs,” as the Cosmo covers suggest.) Her achievements came because of hard work and skillful politicking and through the unabashed use of feminine subterfuge and seduction.

In this she differentiated herself from the bra-burning feminists who were to come shortly after. She was the anti-feminist. She challenged the traditional role of women in the workplace (as secretaries) and in the bedroom (as wives) just as vigorously as the ERA women, but from a different perspective. In HGB’s world, a woman had to be smart and confident. But it was also useful to be feminine and to know when to deploy those charms, either to get what you want or for the sheer fun of a sexual romp.

While she predated the feminist movement by almost a decade, her book Sex and the Single Girl was the first crack in the dike, the first shot across the bow, signaling the vast social upheaval that would follow. In her book, “Brown challenged [single women] to take the same liberties as young men: to enjoy a long and lusty sexual prelude to marriage and to use the rest of the time to build a successful career,” writes Gail Sheehy in Cosmo.

Although the feminists who followed disagreed, sometimes vociferously, this was HGB’s homegrown revolution, and she practiced what she preached.

Born into poverty and possessed of no great physical endowment, HGB worked like a draft horse at 17 jobs before reaching the seat of power she’d been striving for at the age of 42—editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan magazine.

For the next 32 years, until she was forced out of her job at 74, HGB created the icon and the culture of the Cosmo girl. And while on the one hand, the Cosmo girl perpetuates the imperative of feminine beauty and bosom, perhaps at the expense of brains; on the other, it celebrates the power and potential of a woman who knows how to use her femininity.

At the time, the Cosmo Girl was fresh and naughty; then, however, as one pundit commented, “she became familiar. And then she became a cliché.” Maybe, in today’s world of silicone cleavage and über-sexiness, she has become a caricature.

But in her work and in her personal life, HGB was a cheerleader for lots of fun, juicy sex. Clearly, sex continued to be important in her last marriage to David Brown as they both grew older. And it is in this capacity that Helen Gurley Brown has something to say to us—mature women who might be wondering what role sex has in our lives and relationships. While we may not want to emulate her, from that perspective we can learn a thing or two.

In memory of Helen Gurley Brown, who died August 13, 2012, at the age of 90, here are a few choice quotes for the older woman:

  • “It’s just ridiculous for a woman over 50 to assume sex has to be over. You may not be as rambunctious as when you were a teenager, but an orgasm is an orgasm, it doesn’t matter how long it takes to get there.”
  • About keeping the romance in marriage: “It helps if you go on romantic trips together. …When you’re in another city and a glamorous hotel that is conducive to sex, you think, ‘Hey, let’s don’t let this go to waste.’”
  • “What you do have to do is work with the raw material you have, namely you, and never let up.”
  • “Being sexy means that you accept all the parts of your body as worthy and lovable … your reproductive organs, your breasts, your alimentary tract.”
  • “A woman who even occasionally enjoys an orgasm from the roots of her hair to the tips of her toes is sexy.… Remember, frigidity isn’t a physical disability. It’s a curable state of mind.”

Read Full Post »

Romance Awareness Month? Still Time to Seize the Day

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , , on August 17, 2012 | 1 Comment »

The editor of the MiddlesexMD newsletter, who somehow knows these things, tells me that August is Romance Awareness Month.

Who knew?

According to an online poll by Zoosk, which calls itself a “romantic social network,” couples enjoy more romance than single people. Without getting too fussy about the details, according to the Zoosk survey, 79 percent of people in couples say that their partner is romantic while only 41 percent of single people say the same (presumably of their current interest?).

And even though the vast majority (78 percent) of those polled consider romance important in a relationship, only 20 percent of single people are happy with the romance in their lives compared to 59 percent of the coupled folks.

(Just to be clear, neither single people nor couples considered taking out the garbage romantic—so don’t try to make that count.)

In honor of Romance Awareness Month, maybe it’s time to take stock of the romance in your life. Are you stuck in a rut? A little rusty when it comes to new ways to woo your honey? Or maybe you haven’t thought about romance in a long, long time.

Romance might be considered a nuisance and a bother by some long-term couples. Romance is for newlyweds. What’s the point? He (or she) knows I love him (or her).

Maybe. But we frail human creatures still need reassurance from time to time. And saying the words out loud keeps our own emotional machinery in good working order, too. I’m betting that couples who manage to stay sexy and in love over the years are very good at romance. You know the couples I’m talking about. They hold hands; they enjoy being together; they touch; they make eye contact.

Romance can be as simple as a little squeeze or an “I love you” before bed. In fact, couples in the Zoosk survey actually preferred a hug and a kiss to dinner by candlelight (41 to 39 percent), while the singles prefer the dinner to the kiss (44 to 32 percent).

The tricky thing about romance is that it requires you to really know your partner in order to anticipate the unique things that will please him or her. Roses and chocolate might completely miss the mark while fresh coffee in the morning might be the most sensitive, loving and, yes, romantic, gesture imaginable. There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to romance.

Romance is all about acts of thoughtfulness and caring that is uniquely targeted toward the person you love. It’s about going a little out of your way for no reason at all, except that you care.

Done right, romance communicates to your partner that he or she is uniquely loved, and that leads to a sense of intimacy and caring in return. (And maybe to sex.)

This is the stuff that keeps a relationship tender and vital. While romance can be sexy, it isn’t about sex; it’s about expressing your love without ulterior motive or expectation of return in a manner that that only your partner will appreciate.

August may be Romance Awareness Month, but there are eleven more months to practice in.

Let’s get started!

 

 

Read Full Post »

Resurging Interest in Female Sexuality

Posted in Condition News, tagged , , on June 8, 2012 |

One of the advantages of having a medical advisor team is that I can hear reports from events I can’t attend! Michael Krychman, part of the team and medical director of The Sexual Medicine Center at Hoag Hospital and the Executive Director of the Southern California Center for Sexual Health and Survivorship, provides this update from a May meeting.

A resurgence of interest in female sexuality was apparent last month at the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists’ annual meeting. I had three presentations on female sexuality; menopausal sexual health and vaginal dryness were topics throughout the plenary and clinical courses. I completed a post-graduate course with Dr. Haywood Brown, Chair of Duke University, on Sexuality through the Lifecycle, which addressed topics like sexuality and pregnancy and postpartum; chronic medical illness and sexual function, including breast cancer; lesbian sexuality; and treatment paradigms for dysfunction. A brief, informative lecture on everything you always wanted to know about male sexuality for the female health care provider was also included in the core curriculum.

A sold-out luncheon session focused on emerging sexual pharmacology. Among the topics were new data about Flibanserin [which we’ve talked about before as “pink Viagra”]; intravaginal DHEA ovules, which may help with vaginal atrophy; PT141/bremelanotide as an option for arousal issues; and new lower-dose intravaginal estradiol for localized hormone treatment. There was also significant discussion about Osphena, which may be the first oral medication for vaginal atrophy.

A clinical seminar on Elderly Sexuality had over 100 attendees, who were very interested in learning about prevalence and incidence of sexual issues as women age; a comprehensive treatment paradigm was also presented. There were several updates on vaginal dryness and testosterone, too.

Even in the exhibit hall, sex was evident! Lelo, a premier self-stimulator company, was swamped with visitors during all hours. They introduced Intimina, their new sexual wellness line of products [which includes the Kiri, Raya, and Celesse vibrators].  Semprae Laboratories, makers of Zestra essential arousal oil, was swamped with interest over their new in-office physician retail program and distributed thousands of samples. The L’il Drugstore booth was busy with moisturizer Replens. Neogyn, a new vulvar soothing cream, was also on the exhibit floor. I even saw the Journal of Sexual Medicine floating around!

Medical support for women’s sexuality has faced some challenges in the last few years. The FDA hearing on Flibanserin and the disappointing efficacy results of Libigel were a few recent set-backs, but in spite of them, attention to female sexual function and treatments for dysfunction looks to me to be going strong.

It is definitely an exciting and interesting time. The field of female sexual health and wellness is alive and thriving.

Read Full Post »

The Recipe: Revisited, Reconfirmed

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , on January 2, 2012 | 1 Comment »

At MiddlesexMD, our approach to sex at midlife didn’t spring to life fully formed. In fact, it’s the result of a lot of thought and discussion about the kind of information women need during and after menopause to stay sexually healthy and functional.

We were concerned that a lot of the chatter surrounding sex during these years is based on hearsay and old wives’ tales, and it’s often cast in terms of dysfunction—of what’s not working right anymore. Also, in case you haven’t noticed, a lot is still unknown about normal female sexuality after menopause. (So let’s not be quite so quick to label it dysfunction.)

From my years in practice, I know that women don’t talk about these issues. They may associate hot flashes and mood swings with menopause, but changes that affect their sexuality aren’t widely known and don’t tend to enter into the doctor-patient conversation. I suspect that many women don’t exactly know what questions to ask.

So we envisioned MiddlesexMD as a forum and a clearinghouse for reliable, current information about changes to your libido and sexual organs during menopause. We also tried to organize this information in a way that is understandable and easy to manage. And that’s how we came up with the “Recipe.”

Our Recipe for Sexual Health coalesced after we reviewed a lot of research and looked at reports from the North American Menopause Society and the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health. We considered what sex therapists and researchers, counselors and relationship coaches, alternative medicine gurus and mindfulness gurus had to say.

We took all that information, mulled, mixed, and digested it, and voila! the ingredients for our Recipe rose like cream to the surface. Our website and our blog are organized around those five ingredients:

Knowledge. So you can understand what happens physiologically during menopause as well as learning some techniques for staying sexually healthy and functional.

Vaginal comfort. From my clinical experience, vaginal dryness and discomfort are the most common and annoying changes that women mention, and they happen to all of us. A lot of the information on our blog and the website discuss ways to maintain vaginal health.

Genital Sensation. So you can find ways to compensate for diminished blood flow and loss of sensation.

Pelvic tone. So you can understand why a well-toned pelvic floor is important, and how to develop those muscles.

Emotional intimacy. Because your body won’t respond if your heart and mind aren’t engaged. We feel this is, and always has been, the most important ingredient to a great sex life.

Since the launch of MiddlesexMD.com almost two years ago, you—our readers—have reinforced some of our educated guesses. How common and distressing vaginal dryness can be, for example. Also that sex for women is complicated. Unlike men, the path from stimuli to desire to arousal to the big O is far from linear. And the unpredictability of our responses only intensifies during menopause.

As we age, we can develop other heath conditions, like hypertension or diabetes. Then it becomes more difficult to tease out the effect of these conditions from sexual problems. Plus, both the physical condition and the medications used to treat it can affect sexual responses.

We’ve also come to appreciate the difficulty of putting some heat back into a long-term, ho-hum sex life (or maybe completely reinventing it).

You remind us that that sex is a very individual matter—certainly not a one-size-fits-all affair. That’s the beauty—and the challenge—of claiming, or reclaiming, your sexuality

We’ve been impressed with the fact that, contrary to some stereotypes, we’re still pretty sexy ladies at midlife. We like having sex, and we want to keep on enjoying it. That’s what MiddlesexMD is all about—creating a forum and providing the information that will keep you sexy for a long time.

So, how are we doing? Do you have unanswered questions? Have we missed anything in the recipe? Can you find what you’re looking for?

Let us know, because we like many cooks working on our recipe.

Read Full Post »

Jane Fonda on Sex at 73

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , , on September 19, 2011 | 1 Comment »

In 1968, she was Barbarella, the fresh-faced ingénue in shockingly sexy outfits. Then she was Hanoi Jane protesting against the Vietnam War. She was the prostitute in the movie Klute, for which she won an Oscar for Best Actress. She became our Fitness Queen in 1982 literally inventing the workout video. The “Jane Fonda Workout” is still the bestselling video of all time (17 million).

Whatever you might think of Jane, she’s always been at the cutting edge, always willing to forge new paths, and she’s always relevant.

Now Jane is at it again, tackling stereotypes and pummeling barriers with her latest book, Prime Time, an uncensored examination of “love, health, sex, fitness, friendship, and spirit.” This time she’s taking on the stereotypes of aging. With a freshly remade face (about which she is unabashed) and characteristically toned body, she looks many years younger than 73. Yes, you read that right. Seventy-three. In a quintessentially Jane statement, she attributes her appearance to 30 percent good genes, 30 percent lifestyle, 10 percent plastic surgery, and 30 percent good sex.

As you might expect, Jane doesn’t pull any punches about the sex. She has sex, and she likes it. Her frank, 50-page chapter on sex in Prime Time (“The Changing Landscape of Sex When You’re Over the Hill”) is a refreshing peek behind a curtain that is ignored at best and considered unmentionable at worst.

Perhaps the first important revelation is that she is doing what she can to continue enjoying sex with her longtime boyfriend, music producer Richard Perry. She was on hormone replacement therapy until she was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2010. Until recently, she also took testosterone, which “makes a huge difference if you want to remain sexual and your libido has dropped,” she says. She stopped taking it recently when she developed a stubborn case of acne.

In her book, she discusses masturbation, sex toys, and resuming sex after a hiatus. After divorcing Ted Turner, she was alone for six years before meeting Perry. “If you have been celibate for a long time and then begin a new love affair, be aware that your vagina is likely to need some attention,” she said in a recent interview.

Jane’s done her homework, and her advice is solid. But her most important contribution is to broach a subject that is socially taboo. When a celebrity and role model talks about having sex at 73, it becomes okay for other people to talk about.

That was a conscious decision on her part. “I wanted to go into such detail about sex because it can be very important in later life,” she said. “There are all kinds of changes that no one ever tells us how to handle. One of the things I kept hearing from the sex doctors was that very few people come to them with their problems… So I thought it would be helpful to go into detail about that.”

She also reveals another little-known secret of aging in Prime Time—that it can be the best time of your life. People over 50 tend to be less hostile, less stressed, and more capable of maintaining intimate relationships. And the sex can be better, too. According to Jane, all this adds up to happiness.

Thanks, Jane.

Read Full Post »

I Am Woman…

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , on August 26, 2011 |

A while ago, a comment from a reader on one of my blog posts gave me some food for thought, and I’ve been digesting ever since.

“To me, sexuality = feeling strong and attractive and powerful and desirable,” this reader commented. “It’s important to feel like that with my man, but it’s also important to feel that way for me. And if I’ve ‘got it going on,’ it enhances my sexual relationship with my husband, too.”

So why is it important to feel confident and strong just for ourselves, and how is that connected to attractiveness and sexuality?

For starters, let’s just acknowledge that it’s darned hard to remain strong and confident as we grow older in a youth-and-beauty-crazed culture. At some point, the culture might have it, we’re not “hot” anymore; we’re not even lukewarm. We may be viewed (or view ourselves) as outdated and expendable. “…the fact remains that at midlife, women can feel invisible – or at worse, unattractive,” says psychologist Susan Quilliam in an article in the “Daily Mail.”

The good news, however, is that even in the face of such powerful negative messages, women seem to come into their own at midlife. While anecdotal evidence supports this surge in confidence, research backs it up as well. In several longitudinal studies, women over 40 reported feeling powerful, productive, and in control of their destiny. “I think middle age for everyone involves a sense of ownership of one’s self and clarity about who you are,” said Abigail Stewart, professor of psychology at the University of Michigan in an article in More.

So, despite negative cultural messages and what the mirror tells us, we manage to develop a sense of greater serenity, confidence, purpose, and productivity as we grow older. Research suggests that our emotions become more positive and stable as we age. We’ve weathered some storms. We’ve gained some perspective, even wisdom. We’ve “got it going on.” And that feels pretty good—just for ourselves.

But what does this have to do with sexuality? Or with better sex?

Sexuality—our “womanness”—is part of our essential nature. It’s our personhood. We can no more separate ourselves from our sexuality than we can cut out our heart. So, if we are confident and evolved as a person, it’s as a sexual female person, whether or not we are sexually active.

And if this confidence and maturity makes us attractive to men (and it does), we are probably also regarded highly by women as well. Also, when we are sure of our place in the world, we have the emotional energy to look outward; we can be empathetic and interested in others—and that’s attractive, too.

“People of all ages love a confident woman, one who knows her own mind and can stand up for herself. Especially, it seems, the males of this world,” writes blogger Leslie Dowden for Fabafterfifty. “The point I’m labouring to make is that a confident woman is attractive to everyone, and draws people to her—no matter what her age. But I also know that with age comes even greater self confidence—for me anyway.”

Since most of us could use a little emotional pick-me-up occasionally, here are some suggestions for cultivating greater self-confidence:

  • Look your best—as you define it. Confident sexuality isn’t about looks or clothes, but being well-groomed makes you feel good about yourself. However, once you’ve completed your toilette for the day, put away the mirror and don’t look back.
  • Cultivate gratitude. Gratitude and its sister, abundance, can revitalize your experience of the world. You can’t be grateful and indulge in self-pity at the same time. Admit it, you have a lot to be grateful for!
  • Laugh. If nothing else, a good laugh releases endorphins, which are natural pain relievers and mood enhancers. But a sense of humor is also an attractive quality, and it helps you to see the glass half-full.
  • Write your own script. You are the author of your life. Only you can write it, and it’s never too late to revise. So no more excuses! You’re responsible and in control.
  • Act with confidence until you feel it. No one feels confident all the time in every situation. Sometimes, you just have to pretend. And sometimes, the very act of pretending gives you the confidence you need.

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 215 other followers

%d bloggers like this: