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Posts Tagged ‘intimacy’

Priming the Pump for Better Orgasms

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , , on April 30, 2013 | Leave a Comment »

I never knew what it meant to prime a pump until I watched a plumber work on one at my cottage. To prime a pump means to pour a little water into its fill cap to create suction and, with luck, to pressurize the thing so it draws water rather than spurting air.

The hydraulics metaphor may be more appropriate for men, but I’m betting that some of your orgasmic pressure has leaked out over the years, too. Or, maybe it wasn’t very dependable to begin with. According to some studies, from 25 to 50 percent of women have trouble achieving orgasm.

There are, however, ways to repressurize your orgasmic system—techniques that may help get the sexual juices flowing again. It’s not magic—there is still no pink Viagra that guarantees an orgasm, given that the female sexual response cycle is a lot more complicated than a water pump.

If your orgasmic mechanism needs a little priming, here some holistic ways to repressurize.

  1. Exercise. (I heard that groan.) Good orgasms require good circulation to keep all that oxygenated blood flowing to your genitals. Aging does a number on the blood flow and nerve endings in the genital area, making them sluggish and less responsive.  Exercise helps maintain good circulation. It also keeps blood circulating nicely to the brain, which, as we’ve said, is really your biggest sex organ.
  2. Kegels. C’mon. These are easy and painless (there are tools available), and they do you a lot of good. Kegels tone and strengthen your pelvic floor muscles; those muscles keep you from leaking urine when you sneeze as well as holding your internal organs in place. Strong pelvic floor muscles also create a firm “vaginal embrace,” which is nice for your man, but also gives you a more powerful orgasm.
  3. Check your medications. Several categories of drugs are libido killers, including some antidepressants, but also some drugs that reduce cholesterol and high blood pressure. If you suspect that your meds may be messing with your sex drive, talk to your doctor.
  4. Masturbate. You need good circulation down there, right? Self-pleasuring helps. It also helps you identify what you like and how to “do it” the way you like it—so you can tell your partner.
  5. Get a vibrator and other sex toys. There are all sorts of physical reasons to use a vibrator. (See #4 above.) Toys may help you release some inhibitions and learn to play.
  6. Drink a little (not a lot.) Sharing a little pre-sex cocktail can create a cozy sense of intimacy and also help lower your inhibitions. Drinking too much is a libido-killer. Share a glass of wine in front of the fireplace and move the action to the bedroom—or keep it by the fireplace.
  7. Fantasize. Think of it as your personal romance novel. You can sleep with anyone you want and do anything you want. You’re only limited by your imagination. Fantasy helps some women “get into their heads.” Try it.
  8. Positions. If you’ve been using your vibrator, you know where your sweet spots are, and the missionary position often misses them. Try the back entry “doggie-style” position which is good for hitting the G-spot, although not so good for the clitoris, or try sitting on his lap, which is good for all kinds of things.
  9. Foreplay. If you take seriously Esther Perel’s statement that, for erotic couples, “foreplay pretty much starts at the end of the previous orgasm,” you may extrapolate that good sex arises from consciously introducing sensuality into your relationship in a sustained way. Touch. Snuggle. Sextext. Write love notes. Introduce beauty and sensuality into your life that might leach into lovemaking as well.
  10. Have sex. This cannot be repeated too often. The more you have it, the more you want it, and the better at it you become. As one happily married husband said: “Practice, practice, practice.”

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The Wrong Kind of “Hot”

Posted in Condition News, tagged , , on April 19, 2013 | Leave a Comment »

Now that the FDA advisory panel has pulled the plug on two nonhormonal drugs to treat hot flashes and night sweats, what’s a grumpy, sleep-deprived, sweaty, menopausal woman to do?

For most of us, hot flashes are uncomfortable and inconvenient. For some of us, hot flashes are debilitating and make it hard to sleep or function normally. And except for hormone therapy, no treatment regimen is guaranteed to alleviate them.

So, chalk up yet another inhibitor to sex (as if we needed one). It’s hard to feel “in the mood” when your nightie’s soaked and sweat is running down your back—and this is pre-foreplay.

It may be possible, however, to manage the frequency and intensity of hot flashes with some simple home remedies. For some women, these techniques work well; for others, not so much. As in so much of life, it’s a matter of experimenting until you discover what works for you.

These more natural approaches fall into four categories: lifestyle changes, identifying the triggers, controlling your environment, stress management, and botanical remedies. If you’re bothered—or handicapped—by hot flashes, a combination of these might help. Even if the cure isn’t perfect, your overall health should improve. In the long run, that’s a whole lot better than popping a pill.

Lifestyle changes

A generally healthy lifestyle goes a long way to making you feel better all over. You’ll mitigate other problems, like diabetes and obesity, and you just might find your hot flashes are less frequent and intense as well.

A healthy lifestyle includes

  • A diet of high-quality, fresh fruits and vegetables, whole grains, low in fat and processed foods
  • Regular exercise that gets your heart-rate up and doesn’t injure your joints: brisk walking, swimming, free weights, yoga, tai chi
  • Losing weight, if necessary. You may have put on some menopausal baby fat (haven’t we all?), but be aware that a higher body mass index is related to more frequent hot flashes, according to the North American Menopause Society (NAMS).

Identifying triggers

While hot flashes are maddeningly unpredictable, they often seem associated with certain triggers, which are unique to every woman. Try to identify yours. Common triggers include

  • Caffeine, alcohol, and cigarettes (even passive smoke may be trigger one)
  • Anxiety, stress, and stressful situations
  • Hot drinks and spicy foods. If you’ve ever watched someone eating a habanero pepper, well, that’s enough to give you a hot flash right there.
  • Stress
  • Hot, stuffy, or crowded rooms
  • Activities that produce heat—ironing clothes, washing dishes, strenuous exercise
  • Did we mention stress?

Managing stress

Stress is linked in several studies to more frequent hot flashes, and you can bet they’ll happen at the most inconvenient times. When you’re heating up at a stressful moment, remember that, while embarrassing and uncomfortable, hot flashes aren’t life-threatening or even particularly noticeable to others. A few inconspicuous comfort measures will help you get through the moment, even in tense situations:

  • Breathe. Instead of panicking inwardly, consciously take deep, relaxing breaths.
  • Get up and walk around.
  • Open a window.
  • Try meditation, massage, yoga, relaxation or other therapy.
  • Maintain a sense of humor. You have to admit, the whole thing is kind of funny.

Conrolling the environment

Because the hormonal changes you’re experiencing have temporarily (or not so temporarily) messed with your body’s temperature-regulating mechanism, you can compensate (in part) by controlling the ambient temperature. Some easy ways to do this include

  • Keep the house, especially the bedroom, cool and well-ventilated.
  • Cotton (or fibers that wick moisture away from your skin) is your friend. Use cotton bedclothes and keep a spare pillowcase handy. Or, check out cooling bedsheets like those at DriNights. Keep a clean, cotton t-shirt beside the bed.
  • “Keep a frozen cold pack under your pillow, and turn the pillow often.” (From NAMS)
  • Check out the Dry Babe website for a line of “absorbent sleepwear for hot mamas.” These could lead to a little heated action of their own.
  • Wear clothes in layers that you can shed or add as necessary.
  • Carry a pretty Oriental fan in your purse.

Botanical remedies

Finally, a few botanicals have been associated with relief of hot flashes. Again, research is inconclusive: Some women are helped while others aren’t. But the remedies are relatively safe and free from serious side effects. You could try:

  • Black cohosh. Already commonly used in Europe, this member of the buttercup family may be the most promising herbal treatment for hot flashes.
  • Soy and red clover contain plant-based estrogen, which isn’t as effective and doesn’t work the same way as the estrogen synthesized for hormone treatments. Still, some women say they help.
  • Vitamin E. Again, scientific evidence is scant, but some women say these supplements work for them.

Just because a supplement is “natural” doesn’t mean it’s automatically safe for everyone. Some herbal supplements are quite potent, and others could interact with medication you’re taking or exacerbate a physical precondition you already have. So consult with your doctor or pharmacist before taking botanical remedies.

If you discover a remedy that works for you—please share!

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Too Tired for Sex? Join the Club

Posted in Condition News, tagged , , , on March 11, 2013 | 1 Comment »

I was sitting in a tiny hut in Mexico talking with a dignified older gentleman. Outside the ramshackle house, the sun shone on the empty desert. The ocean lapped the nearby shore. There was no traffic, no noise, no shops, no phones.

“The Americans, the Germans, and the Japanese are the hardest-working people in the world,” the man said.

First, I was startled that someone in this very remote place would be so astute. Then I wondered: Is this a good thing?

With all our mobile toys, we don’t ever have to stop working in America. We can be connected 24/7. Maybe we can squeeze in a few extra obligations after-hours. Or, we might be caring for parents and children, and sometimes spouses and grandchildren. Even if we’re retired, we’re programmed to run hard and fast.

But look what it’s doing to us. We’re stressed; we’re overweight; and we’re dog-tired.

Sex life? What sex life?

Ian Kerner, a well-known sex therapist, cites a recent study by the National Sleep Foundation in which one-quarter of American couples say they’re often too tired for sex.

Mary Jo Rapini, one of our medical advisors, recalls encouraging a couple to take time for a romantic getaway. “Oh no, who’ll plan that for us?” they asked. Well, “usually the couple enjoys planning these things together,” she said.

“We don’t have the energy,” they responded.

Think of sex as the canary in the coal mine. It’s one of the first things to go when life gets out of whack. But if you ignore that quiet little loss, pretty soon the bigger stuff suffers, like good health and relationships.

If sex is just another obligation, or you’re too tired to even think about it, you need a life/work balance adjustment.

If you don’t have some other physical or psychological problem, such as a thyroid condition, chronic fatigue syndrome, serious relationship issues, or hormonal imbalance, you shouldn’t be too tired for sex.

So, if stress, overwork, overcommitment, and the general pace of life, has killed your libido, consider this:

Allow time for sleep. Right now. Nothing else matters if you’re chronically sleep-deprived. Re-assess your involvements. Try to delegate tasks. Cut back on work. (Doctor’s orders.)

“A good night’s sleep every night—more so than exercise and a healthy diet—keeps our sexual engines humming,” says Barry McCarthy, PhD, a Washington, D.C., sex therapist.

Give yourself an hour to unwind before going to bed in the evening. Turn off the TV and all the other screens. “It’s terrible to have a television in your bedroom, which should just be for intimacy and sleep,” says sex therapist Sherri Winston.

Spend that time relaxing with a book. Share a cup of herbal tea. Cuddle with your honey. Take a bath.

Exercise.  Regular, moderate exercise is part of the work/life balance thing. Can you walk 30 minutes a day? Maybe with your partner? Can you find a gentle workout video? (My favorite now is hot yoga, but I have friends who spend 20 minutes a day with our old pal Jane Fonda.)

Exercise makes you feel better. It helps you lose weight.

And guess what? It helps you sleep better.

De-stress. Yeah, I know this sounds impossible. But you have a choice: You can continue to worship at the altar of overcommitment, at which you will offer up your health, your intimate relationships, and your quality of life.

Or you can bring your life into a healthy balance, and probably live longer—and have a lot more satisfying sex.

Need more persuading? Stress releases cortisol, a hormone that decreases testosterone, of which we women have precious little in the first place. Thus, stress directly hammers our sex drive even before the sleep-deprivation sets in.

Follow your rhythms. If you’re exhausted at night, why not have a little afternoon delight? Or maybe sex in the morning? Testosterone levels naturally rise a little then, so that might be the opportune moment to turn up the heat. Caress and cuddle at night and save the sizzle for the morning.

Just do it. You know how you may not be in the mood, but a little nibble on the ear, a little stroke on the thigh… and, well,… maybe…

Libido is like a puppy. Give it some loving, and it will follow you home. And sex begets more sex. You have to do it to want it.

When I recall the tranquility I felt in that simple hut in Mexico, I wonder if we somehow took a detour on the road to the good life. Maybe we can learn something about simplifying, cutting back, enjoying the little things, and loving each other from people who don’t have many possessions, but who probably sleep very well at night.

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From the Top: A Starter Kit of Erogenous Zones

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , on January 24, 2013 | 1 Comment »

In my last post, I talked about the importance of touch and foreplay, and encouraged you and your partner to talk about where you like to be touched—and how. Here are some top erogenous zones, according to several sources I’ve run across. Use this as a starter kit, and let us know if you discover something new.

Starting from the top:

Head and scalp. Who doesn’t like a scalp massage? Our scalp is loaded with nerve endings and experts say massaging it releases endorphins. This may be more feel-good than erotic, but who cares? Use fingertips, then fingernails to mix things up.

Some lists mention kissing the forehead, which reminds me more of mommy, but that could be sweetly intimate as well. One woman mentioned an erotic link between her forehead and her lower back, which begins “aching to be touched” when her forehead is kissed. Hmmm. Worth a try.

And of course, there are the ears. Blow gently. Make small, firm circles with your fingers along the outer rim. Massage the earlobe. Does that feel good?

Neck. Exquisitely sensitive, even ticklish to some, the neck is worth exploring. Try tongue, fingers, light touch and other textures. “The moment between feeling breath then feeling lips, tongue, teeth is incredible. It’s the combination of anticipation and pleasure foreshadowing what’s to come,” says one woman in this Huffington Post article.

Armpit. I wouldn’t have thought of this one, but apparently, it’s a hottie. Try licking and a somewhat firm touch so as not to tickle.

Breasts and nipples. This body part is too obvious, but the thing about breasts and nipples is that the right touch is orgasmic and the wrong touch is downright painful, so you’ll have to teach your partner how you like it. This goes in spades for women who’ve had a mastectomy. Your partner needs to know if and how you like to be kissed or touched in this area.

Lower abdomen. This part can be highly erogenous for men and women. Use a feather or light touch in circles from the navel. Head south. Men especially like the anticipation of light touch on their lower abs. For men “…the area of the abdomen between the navel and pelvis is a fun area to tantalize, and as blood flows to the pelvis and sexual tension gathers, it’s a good area to simulate,” says Dr. Ian Kerner, a sex expert in New York City in this Woman’s Day article.

Mons. A little farther south on women, Dr. Michael Krychman, a medical advisor to MiddlesexMD, recommends attention to that little mound above our genitals. The mons “… can also be interesting when incorporated into the sexual repertoire. Caressing the hair area or gentle touch to this area can be exciting and pleasurable.”

Inner thigh. “The gift wrapping to his package,” says this source. I say that we women like erotic touch on our inner thighs, too. Breathe, kiss, stroke lightly. It all feels good. Pay special attention to what’s called the “cut lines” in men—those creases where thigh meets torso. Try licking or kissing his abdomen while stroking the cut lines. Kind of like rubbing your tummy and patting your head, but maybe worth the effort for him.

Back of knees. This is an oft-mentioned sensitive spot for both men and women, the back of the knees can be ticklish, and may be more sensitive in men because it’s less hairy. “Some women find this area especially exciting and pleasurable when showered with gentle touch or caresses,” says Dr. Krychman. Try using massage oil on the legs and thighs.

Feet. Ever the focus of fetishists, the feet have their own beauty and sensitivity. What feels better than a foot rub? (Okay. Maybe a scalp massage.) Some people have a direct sexy link from the arch of their foot or their heel. Others just like the yumminess of it all. Why not spend a night on feet?

Or, work up from the feet. Or start at the top and work down. Or… ?

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Tickle Your Sexy Bone

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , , on January 21, 2013 |

You already know (you do know, don’t you) that the skin is your largest sex organ. We’ve talked about that, also about how important foreplay is now that we need a little more stimulation to get in the mood.

So let’s get specific about this whole skin thing.

Not all our parts are created equal: Some are ticklish; some are sensitive; and some are very willing to play along with our pre-sex games. We call these our erogenous zones. Since we have many of them, why not spend some time exploring this secret garden with our partner? I’m betting you’ll discover new ways to tantalize your mate as well as to become aroused yourself.

We are each unique. What turns you on may not excite your partner. A ho-hum move for you may electrify him. Men and women each have special turn-on zones that are unique to the gender. Cut lines for men; nipples for women, for example. Gentle touch may be more pleasurable in one place while another may require a firm hand or even a smack. Variations in touch and texture can also be exciting, so don’t overlook fur and feathers or heat and cold.

Women often wish their partner just knew what they like without having to be told (or shown), but let’s get over it. That may work for Christian in 50 Shades, but our real-world guys need a hint. Heck, you may not even know all your own sexy spots.

You and your partner could map out places on your bodies you’d like to touch and explore. Tell each other where you fantasize being touched just so. Make cards with the names of various erogenous zones and draw one or two randomly. Focus on those in your next love fest. Finally, and most importantly, let each other know when a particular touch feels good—or when it misses the mark.

In my next post I’ll list some top erogenous zones, according to several sources I’ve run across.

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A Sexy Start to the New Year

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , on December 27, 2012 |

I don’t know about you, but celebrating New Year’s Eve has become as exciting as a dirty sock under the bed. What happened to the crazy parties with friends? What happened to Auld Lang Syne and champagne and… other stuff?

I’ll tell you what happened. Life and maturity happened. At some point, we decided it was silly to party like it’s 1999 and wake up with the baby at 6 a.m. And now I’m betting that a good number of us won’t even make it ‘til the ball drops. And really, that’s not so bad, is it?

So maybe you’re staring down a quiet evening at home. Or maybe you’ve chosen to welcome the New Year with a quiet evening at home. So why not make it special? Just the two of you.

Here are some ideas:

  • Have a pajama party. Dress in cozy nightwear. (No, not your raggedy footies. Get some nice but comfy nightwear.) Play board games—Scrabble or Monopoly. Have some yummy but healthy snacks ready. Dark chocolate is a must. Wine. Fruit. Here’s a list of foods with aphrodisiac qualities.
  • Brew up some special cocktails for the occasion. Maybe you have a drink you both love, but here are some romantic nightcaps if you want to try something new. Very rich hot buttered rum, anyone?
  • Have a romantic movie night. Cuddle. Make popcorn and hot chocolate. My favorite gottahaveit movie snack? Peanut M&Ms. Have a favorite? Here’s a great list to get you started. Others might include Gone With the Wind, An Officer and a Gentleman, Ghost, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Casablanca, Doctor Zhivago, or West Side Story.
  • Rent (or borrow) a cabin in the woods. Celebrate the New Year under a canopy of stars in the deep quiet of a snowy forest in front of a roaring fire. Naked. Make magic happen.
  • Go bubbly. If you have a jacuzzi (or even if you don’t), fill the bathroom with candles, incense, soft music, champagne, and a warm bubble bath for two.
  • Don’t stop at New Year’s Eve. Make a resolution to romance your honey all year long. This is the best list I’ve encountered for sincere, creative ways to let your partner know you love him or her.

Happy, Sexy New Year!

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Sex and More Senses

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , on December 14, 2012 |

In a previous post, we began exploring ways to engage all our senses when we make love. Today, we pick up where we left off.

Sight. Of all the senses, we humans rely heavily on eyesight. So why do we make love in the dark? Under the covers? With our eyes closed? Granted, we feel we look better in the glow of moonlight rather than the glare of incandescence. And closing the eyes helps us concentrate on the action at hand. Or mouth. Or whatever.

But we could use—or not use—our eyesight strategically to increase the pleasure of lovemaking.

To pleasure the sense of sight, make everything having to do with sex look beautiful. For example, that tray of aphrodisiacs we mentioned earlier should look as sensuous as it tastes. Your bedroom—or wherever you make love regularly—should be inviting, even sumptuous. Get rid of the clutter. Move the pictures of the kids to your office. Incorporate warm, sensuous colors and finishes. Use light strategically. Make it a pleasure to see and to be in.

The other way to deal with eyesight is not to use it. Eliminating one sense heightens the sensitivity of the others. Blindfold your partner and stimulate his or her sense of touch or smell in surprising ways. Touch with feathers or fur. Tease and back off. Not knowing what will happen next intensifies the experience.

Hearing. This is another of our sense that we don’t use enough during lovemaking. We’ll expand on this idea in a future post, but for now, think of ways to incorporate soothing, sexy, or energizing sound into the bedroom ritual.

Obviously, music is a powerful way to calm or motivate or rouse emotion. Use it as a pleasing tool during lovemaking to “get out of your head” or to bring yet another layer of sensuality to sex. You could also use the sounds of nature: pattering rain, bird calls, the womblike whoosh of the ocean. Experiment with sound and music to find what enhances and adds pleasure.

Some people also find it erotic to talk during lovemaking—erotically, lovingly, or sluttishly—whatever turns you on.

You might try reading aloud to each other—to get in the mood or to wind down after. This works best if you really know and love the piece rather than if you’re stumbling through it for the first time.

Remember how soothing and intimate it is to be read to? Read to your partner as an act of love. Poetry is especially powerful in its expression of emotion, passion, love, ardor, and beauty in ways that are lovely to hear. Plus, the lyric quality and rhythm blurs the line between poetry and music. And love is a common theme of poetry. She Walks in Beauty by Lord Byron brings me to tears. Or try the soaring How Do I Love Thee? by Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

What poem do you love? Share it with your lover.

Touch. This, of course, is the king of the sexual senses. In this realm, the skin is one, big sex organ, tingling with nerve endings and alive to sensation.

Bring a variety of textures and temperatures to your sexual routine. Alternate heat and cold on your lover’s skin. (Ice your hands, touch your partner’s skin, then warm them and touch again.) Use warming lubes, introduce bedsheets with different textures. Check out products to enhance touch in our online shop.

You could try out some 50 Shades action and tie your lover’s hands with a necktie or some nonstick bondage tape. Then you can have your way with him or her, touching wherever and however you want.

Sex, and all of life, is a sensual experience. Think creatively and lovingly in ways to engage all your senses, and I’m betting the sex will be more varied, pleasurable, intense, and fun. Plan an experience that will engage as many senses as possible. A sampler tray of aphrodisiacs, for example, should also appeal to the eye. Sensual linens and clothing can be beautiful to look at, as well to touch.

Or plan an encounter that focuses on one sense at a time—a crescendo of music, a cascade of scent, a blind taste test of lusciousness.

Above all, savor. The senses can’t be rushed. Plan a rendezvous that gives you time to indulge, to nibble, sample, sniff, listen, and feel. It doesn’t all have to happen at once. Or the same way. The senses offer a cornucopia of surprise and delight. In this realm, your only limit is your imagination.

Unleash your creativity and harness the power of your senses. Not only will the sex be better, but maybe you’ll sharpen your senses for the rest of life as well.

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Making the Most of Time

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , , on November 2, 2012 |

I once knew a crusty old farmer who refused to acknowledge the existence of daylight savings time. Ask him the time during spring or summer, and he’d respond, “Do you want the real time?” To Robert, daylight savings time was just some misguided newfangled invention.

This weekend, we return to “real” time.

While we gain an hour of sleep early on Sunday morning, we give up an hour of evening sunlight for a whole season. There’s something primeval about these fall and winter twilights. Something that makes you want to draw near the fire. Huddle together for warmth and protection. Share tall tales and drink something bracing.

We can ignore this ancient urge. We can fill the evening hours with activity. We can turn on lights, and stay up late.

But we may be ignoring something important in this seasonal cycle. Perhaps the shortening days and waning light are also reminders. I know they are for me. Our own time is becoming short as well. It’s a bittersweet truth that can’t be altered no matter how busy we keep ourselves.

Rather than avoiding this natural cycle, wouldn’t it be better to savor these twilit evenings, this waning light, with awareness and gratitude—in the same way we ought to experience this season of our lives? Wouldn’t this time be the richer for living it with greater compassion and attention? And doesn’t it make sense to begin with those closest to us?

This year, why not celebrate the return of real time? Why not set aside that hour or two of fading light to reaffirm love and life with the person you share it with now? This can be a quiet thing—the spirit of this season isn’t bombastic or overblown. Its colors are muted—ochre rather than fuchsia; the tone is subdued—Bach rather than Wagner.

Maybe walk together as evening falls. Crunch the leaves; smell the musty crispness. Hold hands.

Maybe sit together in the twilight. Drink mulled wine. Light candles.

Watch a special movie that moves you both. Read aloud—poetry or a book you love.

Mostly, experience this transition with your spiritual senses. Life is moving on. You are acknowledging the passing of time with someone you love. That’s something to be done with care and attention.

When he was 81, my friend Robert moved out of the farmhouse he had shared for his entire life with his bachelor-farmer brother. He moved out to marry Paula, who had outlived three husbands. This was his first marriage. I was the “flower girl” for the marriage of two octogenarians.

Robert wept as he said his vows. When he kissed the bride, it may have been for the first time. You can bet he rejoices in every moment of real time he has with his love.

We should do no less.

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Together but Alone

Posted in Under the Covers, tagged , , , , on September 20, 2012 |

I hear from a number of women that although they’re in long-term relationships, they’re feeling alone. Sometimes this becomes apparent as part of adjusting to other changes—like sending the last kid off to college, welcoming a parent into the household, or adapting when one or both partners retire from a career. I asked MiddlesexMD advisor Mary Jo Rapini, a psychotherapist who specializes in intimacy and relationships, what women can do when they find themselves unsatisfied.

The loneliest feeling doesn’t come from being single. It’s being married or living with someone, but feeling alone. This happens when one of the partners checks out emotionally but eats there, does their laundry there, and sleeps there. For all other purposes, though, there is no partnership. This happens to couples who live together as well as couples who date and marry. Many times some type of crisis precipitates a partner’s emotional distance, but sometimes it just happens. You may sense your partner no longer values your judgment. You may notice your partner no longer listens to you, talks to you, or wants to engage with you.

When a woman first begins to feel lonely in her relationship, she doesn’t automatically get help. She’ll usually try to understand what is going on in her partner’s life. She may ask, “You okay?” or “What’s the matter?” Those questions are usually answered by, “Oh, just work,” or, “I’m just tired.”

Sometimes the partner will come back with, “Nothing I say is good enough, and you fight me on everything.” When this happens, the partner who asked the question begins feeling even more alone and more stuck in her loneliness. They may reach out to friends or family, or begin reading self-help books. Her friends may validate that her partner is cruel, insecure, having an affair, or all of the other things friends try to do to make one feel better. The bottom line is, she’s in a bad position. She is committed to someone and very much alone.

The amount of distance in a relationship is determined by the couple and the style they develop. Many of us like more distance between ourselves and others, and this is reflected in how we relate. Just as some people are very private and others extremely open; some couples cannot go to the grocery store without the other, and some travel across the world without each other. It’s a personal preference; neither is right or wrong.

Feeling alone is much different than actually being alone. Feeling alone means the communication is broken. Your partner may be in Africa and you in Texas, but if you are talking on the phone and sending silly texts or emails, you’re together. If he is at your side, but no longer engaging with you, talking to you, wanting to be with you, he might as well be in Africa.

As with most things, this emotional distance is easier to prevent than to fix once the damage is done. But here are three steps to take to feel less isolated in your relationship:

  1. Ask yourself if you really want this relationship. Sometimes we become lonely when we long for someone or something else. Your partner may sense that you’re not communicating that you feel stagnant or want out. Your partner may be withdrawing as a way of limiting—or pre-empting—the hurt.
  2. Talk to your partner about how you feel. Does your partner know you feel unloved or distant? No one can read your mind. It’s possible that your partner is feeling the same distance and will welcome you raising the issue.
  3. Are your beliefs about money, sex, or faith getting in the way of your need to be connected with one another? Couples who are fighting may project the anger from the disagreement onto the relationship. The distance created is actually about disagreeing over a topic. If you talk about this, it will help bridge the distance you feel.

Our relationships are a way to receive—and to give—the love, acceptance, and security we need to grow and evolve. To be physically and emotionally alone in a committed relationship is unbearable because the hope of connection is lost. Study after study has shown what happens to babies who are isolated from human love, acceptance, and security. We never outgrow that need.

If you still feel stuck, get help. Couples therapy has helped thousands of people reconnect. And if your partner isn’t interested, a trained, objective counselor can help you to evaluate where you really are and what your options might be.

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Romance Awareness Month? Still Time to Seize the Day

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , , on August 17, 2012 | 1 Comment »

The editor of the MiddlesexMD newsletter, who somehow knows these things, tells me that August is Romance Awareness Month.

Who knew?

According to an online poll by Zoosk, which calls itself a “romantic social network,” couples enjoy more romance than single people. Without getting too fussy about the details, according to the Zoosk survey, 79 percent of people in couples say that their partner is romantic while only 41 percent of single people say the same (presumably of their current interest?).

And even though the vast majority (78 percent) of those polled consider romance important in a relationship, only 20 percent of single people are happy with the romance in their lives compared to 59 percent of the coupled folks.

(Just to be clear, neither single people nor couples considered taking out the garbage romantic—so don’t try to make that count.)

In honor of Romance Awareness Month, maybe it’s time to take stock of the romance in your life. Are you stuck in a rut? A little rusty when it comes to new ways to woo your honey? Or maybe you haven’t thought about romance in a long, long time.

Romance might be considered a nuisance and a bother by some long-term couples. Romance is for newlyweds. What’s the point? He (or she) knows I love him (or her).

Maybe. But we frail human creatures still need reassurance from time to time. And saying the words out loud keeps our own emotional machinery in good working order, too. I’m betting that couples who manage to stay sexy and in love over the years are very good at romance. You know the couples I’m talking about. They hold hands; they enjoy being together; they touch; they make eye contact.

Romance can be as simple as a little squeeze or an “I love you” before bed. In fact, couples in the Zoosk survey actually preferred a hug and a kiss to dinner by candlelight (41 to 39 percent), while the singles prefer the dinner to the kiss (44 to 32 percent).

The tricky thing about romance is that it requires you to really know your partner in order to anticipate the unique things that will please him or her. Roses and chocolate might completely miss the mark while fresh coffee in the morning might be the most sensitive, loving and, yes, romantic, gesture imaginable. There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to romance.

Romance is all about acts of thoughtfulness and caring that is uniquely targeted toward the person you love. It’s about going a little out of your way for no reason at all, except that you care.

Done right, romance communicates to your partner that he or she is uniquely loved, and that leads to a sense of intimacy and caring in return. (And maybe to sex.)

This is the stuff that keeps a relationship tender and vital. While romance can be sexy, it isn’t about sex; it’s about expressing your love without ulterior motive or expectation of return in a manner that that only your partner will appreciate.

August may be Romance Awareness Month, but there are eleven more months to practice in.

Let’s get started!

 

 

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