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Posts Tagged ‘sexual intimacy’

Sex and His Self-Esteem

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , , on February 5, 2013 | 3 Comments »

Ladies, sometimes we are just too full of ourselves.

Yeah, it’s tough growing older in a society that adulates youth. It’s especially distracting in bed: Does he see the cellulite on my thighs? When I’m on top, my belly sags like a pregnant dog, so let’s stick to the missionary position. While we’re at it, nothing stronger than a candle. One candle.

Of course, our secret vulnerability is that we yearn, in the secret recesses of our still-adolescent souls, to be desired. To have the person we love (or maybe someone who looks like George Clooney) think we are the most beautiful creature he’s ever seen. In such a way that we know it’s true.

And, of course, as we discussed before, everything in our culture, in our psyche, and maybe even from our family of origin rewards youth, beauty, and thinness. And we are not those things any more.

But what about men?

Aren’t they unscathed by cultural expectations about sex and intimacy? They created them, didn’t they? And they don’t have to be in the mood. They don’t have the same, um, unpredictabilities when it comes to getting it off in bed. Things are just more straightforward for guys.

Not really.

I’ve been doing some reading lately, and it’s given me a different perspective on Mars. The cultural messages and expectations they absorb almost from the cradle are equally potent and can be equally unrealistic and even damaging. And part of the message is that they aren’t supposed to talk about it. No whining, no complaints, just be a man. Get it up and get her on.

Consider this observation from a researcher who has interviewed men (and even more women) for many years: “… From the time boys are from eight to ten years old, they learn that initiating sex is their responsibility, and that sexual rejection soon becomes the hallmark of masculine shame.” She heard this from a man she interviewed:

“Even in my own life, when my wife isn’t interested, I still have to battle feelings of shame. It doesn’t matter if I intellectually understand why she’s not in the mood. I’m vulnerable, and it’s very difficult.” (From Daring Greatly by Brené Brown).

I encounter this sentiment repeatedly. Men are vulnerable too. Because they usually initiate, they can be rejected. And they’re “responsible,” not only for their own orgasm, but in some way for ours. After all, if they were slower or faster or lasted longer or were more skilled….

There’s a reason for performance anxiety in men. A lot is riding on that “performance.” They don’t articulate it, not even to themselves, but their self-worth is connected to “performing” well. And if we don’t get off, or, God forbid, if they don’t, the result is shame.

“A guy can’t get through the day without seeing an ad for an erectile stimulant, getting spam about some sort of penis enlargement pill, or hearing sexual tall tales from the guys in the locker-room,” says Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First. “We live in an age where a lot of guys feel like they have to make love like porn stars, and with all the cultural reinforcement, it’s hard to believe otherwise.”

When you think about it, ladies, who are the male role models put before our men and boys? Wouldn’t the Disney Princess counterpart for boys look something like GI Joe or the Terminator? And for men, according this Esquire list, it’s George Clooney (who “eats class for breakfast”) and Liam Neeson. (Actually, the list is incredibly thoughtful and diverse. Check it out.)

But the point is that social pressure on boys to be “men,” and how we define “manly” is every bit as intense and constricting as is the pressure on us to be young, beautiful, and thin. And performance in bed is absolutely integral to the definition of being manly.

“Sexual prowess is the Holy Grail of manhood,” writes Scott Alden. “More than success, more than athleticism, more than witty banter—if we’re not a killer in the sack, we’ve failed as men.”

Ouch.

But what is really sweet, actually, and vulnerable and heartbreaking is that the thing your man wants most—even if it’s buried deep inside under years of habitual behavior in bed and out—the thing your man want most, is to turn you on and to know that he did it.

Truth. Nothing is sexier to a man than to turn on the woman he loves.

“For men, there’s nothing sexier in a woman than awakened desire,” writes Alden. “We also have a deep-seated need to keep our mate committed to us, and pleasing her better than anyone else in the history of sex has ever pleased anyone would be a good way for us to do that.”

All of us—men and women—are stereotyped in unhelpful ways by our time and culture. We’d probably have a lot more fun if we understood the forces that form us and viewed each other with a little more compassion.

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A Hot Time Tonight

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , on July 16, 2012 |

Let’s face it. When you get to this stage of the game, and especially if you’ve been with the same partner for years, you may be wondering whether sex is really worth all the bother. Is it really worth the time, the mess, the mental energy? Why not just let it go the way of your vanishing waistline?

Well, you might consider that many couples in their mature years have discovered a kinder, gentler sex life that enriches their relationship and keeps their finger on this essential juiciness of life. You might think twice about closing the door to this most lovely of intimacies with a person you love. You might reconsider losing this thing that keeps you in touch with sensuality in the broadest sense. As Dr. Christine Northrup said in an interview, “Menopause is the fork in the road where one side says ‘Grow,’ and the other says, ‘Die.’ Menopause… like the fall of the year, is an open window.”

Libido is a fragile flame at this stage of life. We can snuff it out, or we can coax that flicker into a cozy fire. And like other parts of our life, with some nurturing, some honesty, and some practice, sex can become one of the delights of our mature years.

So, maybe it’s time to rethink attitudes and values you’ve carried with your throughout your adult life. Your body, your libido, and your responses—and maybe your partner’s vim and vigor—are changing anyway, so maybe it’s time to bring some open-mindedness, more compassion and patience (and maybe some new moves) to the bedroom.

First, you have to discover what pleases you sexually. You might have a hard time articulating or even knowing what turns you on. Maybe you haven’t thought about it, or you’ve focused on your partner’s pleasure, or you’ve never enjoyed sex all that much, or you’ve been too self-conscious for that kind of exploration.

Have you ever considered that the biggest turn-on for your partner is when you’re turned on? And that it doesn’t even take penis-in-vagina sex to turn you on? “The good news is, men do not need a penis to pleasure a woman,” says Dr. Northrup, “and it’s very important to a man’s self-esteem that he know how to pleasure a woman.”

So, the first order of business is to find out what pleases you and then to communicate that to your partner.

So—explore your sexual parts! Get to know yourself and what feels good and where. Practice. Masturbate. You’ll probably discover that, rather than a full-on attack, a gentle tease, a buildup of tension, then backing off is both effective and pleasurable. Consider using a vibrator if you need more stimulation.

Now, have a little tutorial with your partner. How is he supposed to know this stuff if you don’t show him? Maybe he can show you what pleases him as well.

Next, broaden your definition of sex. According to sex therapist JoAnn Loulan, sex should begin with willingness and end with pleasure, with or without orgasm in between. Lots of intimacies count as sex—cuddling, kissing, touching. As long as it’s emotionally pleasurable and fulfilling and keeps the spark alive, it all counts.

Your mind can be the pink Viagra that everyone’s looking for. Harness your creativity and imagination. Fantasize. Read or watch erotica. Many women are gathering ideas from the latest 50 Shades of Gray series. (More on that later.) Or read this for our own list of movies that turn us on.

Finally, a few wrap-up thoughts:

  • Don’t compare. Your sex life is unique and sacred. There’s no magic number of times or ways to do it. At this stage of the game, we can do it any way we want.
  • Your partner is a lot more accepting of your body than you are, so let go of the self-criticism.
  • If you have a hard time loosening up and you can’t turn off that judgmental voice in your head, try a glass of wine with sex. (As long as alcohol isn’t a problem for you.) It’s a nice way to release inhibitions.
  • Take belly dancing. I still remember watching a friend who had learned to belly dance walk onto the dance floor with her husband. That woman had the roll of the hips down pat—it was sexy even for me to watch. You’ll develop some great musculature, and you’ll learn a truly female art form.

And most important: Have sex! However it works for you, just don’t stop.

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Sex. It Really Is Chemistry.

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , , on March 5, 2012 | 1 Comment »

What makes sex feel so good? What ignites passion and sustains attachment? What is it that makes your heart flutter? And how can you keep those feelings alive, especially in the bedroom, after 10—or 40—years?

Turns out passion and attraction—all the stuff of poetry, song, and story—are the product of your most ancient brain—the limbic system—which you have in common with lots of other animals and which regulates a chemical stew of neurotransmitters. Emotions, drives, impulses, and desires originate in the limbic system. This part of the brain is wired for pleasure and passion, and it operates independently of our conscious choice or will.

Now, just for the record, I refuse to believe that our primitive mammalian brain and a bunch of electrochemical impulses is all there is to love and romance, but a good part of what maintains a relationship and makes sex feel good is indeed all about the chemicals.

The neurochemicals in the brain have two evolutionary goals: to encourage reproduction and then to help maintain a sufficiently nurturing environment for offspring.

Sex is supposed to feel good so that you have lots of it and fulfill your evolutionary mandate to multiply. We wouldn’t last long as a species if sex felt bad. But lots of casual sex and many partners is counterproductive for the long and challenging process of raising children. So your neurochemical circuitry is finely tuned to make sex pleasurable, but also to reinforce the bonds with your mate.

And even though your children may be grown and gone, you still operate within that chemical framework. So you might as well understand it and use it to your advantage.

If you find something pleasurable, sex for example, or chocolate—or sex and chocolate—it’s because your limbic system releases a rush of dopamine when you indulge in what you crave. Dopamine drives people to fulfill their cravings. In one well-known study a rat receives a spurt of dopamine every time it presses a lever. Soon, the rat is obsessively pressing the lever, no longer eating, copulating, or tending to its pups.

Orgasm releases a big surge of dopamine.

Like the rat, you can’t exist on that tingly dopamine high, however good it feels. When there’s too much dopamine in the circuit, the brain begins to reduce the levels it produces and to shut down dopamine nerve receptors. That’s why addicts need an ever-increasing “fix”—more of the drug, sex, porn, or gambling—to reach the same high.

So, immediately after orgasm, dopamine levels drop and prolactin is released to calm things down, especially in males. Prolactin is the dopamine antidote. This is what regulates the “recharge” time in younger men (remember when?); it produces a feeling of sexual satisfaction—and sleepiness, which is why men tend to roll over and fall asleep.

So, don’t take it personally; it’s just the prolactin talking.

Endorphins are also released during sex. These are opioid-like neurochemicals, like morphine and heroin, that block pain and induce feelings of euphoria. They’re also released when you laugh or exercise. (That’s what’s responsible for the “runner’s high.”)

Vasopressin, another neurochemical released during sex, encourages bonding behavior. When vasopressin is suppressed in male prairie voles, a mammal that forms monogamous pairs, they tend to lose their sense of connectedness and become disinterested in their mate.

But the most important chemical that balances the irresistible dopamine “high” is oxytocin. This is the “cuddle hormone”; it makes you feel close and loving. It calms you and relieves stress. And unlike dopamine, you can never get enough of it.

Oxytocin is released during sex, but it’s also released during labor and lactation to create that instinctive bond between mother and baby. During sex, it reinforces your connection with your mate. It offsets the opioid-like cravings of dopamine and endorphins while making the two of you feel close and receptive to sex.

Evidence even suggests that when you have more oxytocin in your system, more nerve receptors are created just to accommodate them. So be sure to laugh, exercise, make love, and cuddle before and after (if your mate can stay awake) to create lots of receptors for your increased oxytocin levels.

And in order to increase your sensitivity to the dopamine and endorphin “high,” cuddle without the sex occasionally. Take a little sex break so that when you come together, your pleasure circuitry is primed and ready.

Your body is hard-wired for sex in the most primitive levels of the brain. When you make love, you’re producing the most potent chemicals your system is capable of. You are a sexual animal. Celebrate!

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Turn-on? Or Creep-out?

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , on January 23, 2012 |

A male reader wrote to me recently. He’s “turned on” at the thought of his wife using a vibrator and wants to incorporate it into their sex life. The problem is that his wife is “creeped out” at the thought and won’t consider it.

This dilemma presents several issues that I think can be instructive to explore.

The first issue has to do with respect. We’re all at different points with regard to what turns us on and our openness to new approaches. Trying something new takes a willingness to explore and be vulnerable—and that can’t be forced, especially in intimate relationships. Otherwise, rather than feeling close and connected, your lovemaking will feel tense and coerced. Respecting boundaries is fundamental to a loving relationship.

That said, it’s also important to keep an open mind about what pleases your partner. Grownups do all kinds of things in bed, and as long as it’s safe, consensual, and pleasurable for both partners, there’s no right or wrong. The willingness to try something new, especially if it’s a “turn on” to your partner, is a loving act. And, who knows, you might like it, too.

When you encounter resistance from your partner to an idea or suggestion, you need to take a step back. Maybe discuss exactly what turns her off about, say, using a vibrator. Maybe she’d be more receptive to something smaller and less intrusive. Maybe she needs to try it alone first.

On the other hand, you could also talk about what your partner finds arousing. What has she always wanted to try? What are her fantasies? Try a trade-off. You do something for your partner, then switch roles.

There are some very good reasons to use a vibrator. They help us maintain vaginal health and boost blood circulation. They give us the strong, consistent stimulation we may need to reach orgasm. Using a vibrator, either alone or as a couple, isn’t “creepy” by most standards, and it isn’t particularly unusual. In fact, studies consistently show that introducing new things to your sexual routine in the form of toys, sex aids, or places and positions is helpful in maintaining a healthy sexual relationship.

If you’re at an impasse, you might consider continuing the discussion with a sex therapist, who can provide perspective and suggestions for moving forward in a loving way. But the bottom line is that you need to respect your partner’s boundaries, communicate about your desires and fantasy as well as your fears, keep an open mind, and be willing to incorporate new things into your sex regimen.

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Q: Should I be comfortable with anal sex?

Posted in Questions...and answers, tagged , , on January 6, 2012 | 1 Comment »

Estimates say that up to a fifth of heterosexual couples have anal intercourse at least intermittently, more rarely exclusively.

The risk of sexually transmitted infections is the same or perhaps higher with anal than with vaginal penetration. There’s more likelihood of trauma, since anal intercourse requires complete relaxation of the rectal sphincter muscles before penetration. Trauma or injury to those muscles can lead to loss of muscle tone or control. That makes this form of intimacy not entirely “safe,” but, more importantly, consent freely given by both partners is an essential feature of sexual activity in a loving relationship.

You asked whether this was a new phenomenon and whether you were “too old” to adapt! I don’t think it’s new (or, at less than 20 percent, a phenomenon), but our notions about sexuality and what’s “typical” or even erotic are very complicated and influenced by many factors. You may never become comfortable with this form of intimacy, but you are never too old to explore options and be open to new sexual techniques.

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Vibrators for Two

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , on November 25, 2011 |

My conversations with patients, blog readers, and visitors to MiddlesexMD tell me that once a person’s gotten past her own discomfort with the idea of a vibrator, there can lurk another obstacle: How to introduce it to intimacy with a partner.

I’ve heard from both men and women on this topic: Both have asked how to introduce a vibrator into a relationship or how to overcome resistance. A recent study done at the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University suggests some couples have figured it out. Half of both men and women have used a vibrator with a partner at least once. Slightly more men than women agree that vibrators can make sex with a partner more exciting, but for both the number is close to 60 percent.

And we know from other research that about two-thirds of women don’t experience orgasm with penetration alone; the IU study says half of women agree that a vibrator helps.

But in spite of that evidence that couples are using vibrators, and that women find them satisfying, there’s still resistance. I talked to Mary Jo Rapini, psychotherapist and one of the MiddlesexMD advisors, to learn more.

The first issue for some women is their preconceptions, Mary Jo says. “If you think of vibrators—or any other part of sex—as ‘creepy,’ you’re showing resistance. Resistance is a product of your own thoughts, which means you can change it and open yourself up to communication and growth. My first request would be that she use the word ‘uncomfortable.’ This opens up a wonderful conversation—if you’re uncomfortable with something, you can add something else to lovemaking, and not necessarily all at once. You might not be comfortable with a vibrator, but you may like being massaged during lovemaking with wonderful massage oil. Lovemaking is exciting and it’s so healthy for the heart, immune system, and hormone levels; I encourage women—and couples—to try new things, slowly, without rejecting the concept of lovemaking with new items.”

“Women are sometimes reluctant to own their own sexuality,” Mary Jo says, which works against introducing a vibrator—and other things—into a couple’s intimacy.

“Men are so visual in regards to sex,” Mary Jo says. “Many men enjoy watching their partner masturbate with a vibrator—especially if their partner is able to enjoy it. Men love watching the woman they love enjoy sex. They also want to please the woman. When the woman is able to let the man hold the vibrator for her, or use it gently on him, he begins to see the benefits.

“He may feel rejected if she prefers the vibrator to him, but including him and showing him what feels best being touched is a big turn-on for men. If she can talk about what feels good, how she likes to be touched, the intimacy will be a thousand times stronger.”

The IU study, by the way, confirms that seventy percent of men don’t find a vibrator intimidating during sex.

But that may be beside the point. The real focus, Mary Jo says, is something different: “Sex is not about the penis or vagina, but your ability to let go, explore, and broaden your awareness and understanding of your sexual self—and your partner. Being able to express yourself sexually and feeling safe and secure in that relationship heightens your health both physically and emotionally.”

We’d love to hear your experiences and questions!

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Q: How can I increase our success using a vibrator?

Posted in Questions...and answers, tagged , , on October 31, 2011 | 2 Comments »

I’m glad to hear that a vibrator has been helpful to you! Women our age often need extra stimulation for arousal and orgasm, and many find that a vibrator provides just what they need. If you’re looking for more, here are some things you might consider:

  • A stronger motor: Not all vibrators are created equal. Check for motor strength, because it really does matter to midlife women: a stronger motor (Emotional Bliss offers the strongest in our store) means more stimulation. You can also check for the number of pulse patterns offered; there’s nothing magic about them, but they make experimentation easier.
  • Get versatile: If you’ve started with an external clitoral vibrator, you might want to try a vibrator that can be used inside the vagina, too.
  • Size differs: You’ll notice I didn’t say that size matters, but different sizes do offer different sensations. The Womolia is almost two inches in diameter, for example, as compared to an inch for the Liv; vibrators also vary in length.

Finally, stay playful and stay connected to your partner when you’re being intimate. While vibrators are great as both tools and toys, especially for us as women, the emotional connection is arousing, too!

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Sex and Cancer: The Body

Posted in Condition News, tagged , , , , , on October 10, 2011 |

Here is the second part of our talk with Mary Jo Rapini, a therapist who specializes in intimacy counseling (the first part focused on the mind). She often receives referrals from oncologists who have treated women and men for cancers that, post-treatment, require a re-thinking, re-learning, re-framing of their intimate life. Says Mary Jo:

When a couple is referred to me, it’s usually because the cancer part of their life is now under control. That is, they have their diagnosis, understand staging, and have been receiving treatments, with some evidence that treatments are working. Until that point, survival is the critical concern for most couples.

This time of diagnosis and sheer survival can actually bring couples closer — they realize that what they used to argue about is petty. On the other hand, really bad relationships will many times get worse. Women who are sick might ask themselves what they’re doing, what happened in their relationship. When that’s the case, my first step is figuring out the emotional environment. Where is this couple now, at this moment in time?

When we do come around to talking about intimacy in the relationship, my first concern is with pain. Painful sex is a really common problem for survivors. Low energy is another problem. People receiving treatments or recovering from extensive treatments have very low stores of energy.

Women recovering from surgery and radiation for any kind of cancer, including breast or uterine cancers, may be adjusting to new losses and scars that affect body image, sensation, mobility, or all three.

And while thinking about restoring sexuality may be pretty far from her mind, the truth is that reengaging with a lover has been shown to really help with recovery. Sex is very healthy—for our bodies and our minds—and a loving intimacy is certainly one of the best things we have to live for.

Get help. Your intimate life may have been perfect your whole lives, your relationship sound, your commitment to one another unshakable, but still a good counselor can give you things to think about, assignments and exercises that can help you to re-engage after harrowing course of treatment. Consider it a gift to yourselves, a reward for surviving.

Planning is everything. Spontaneous sex was great when you were teenagers, but now things are different. Intimacy is best now when it is anticipated and planned. Choose a day of the week when nothing much else is going on. Choose a time in that day when you are likely to have less pain. Be sure you have an hour of pain medication in your body before engaging in cuddling and caressing.

Set a new goal. Sexuality is often so goal-oriented we forget that sex is good for more than just orgasm. When orgasm is difficult to reach—for either of you—why not take it off the table and enjoy the benefits of sexual intimacy without it? Massaging erogenous zones is extremely pleasurable—provided there is no pain—whether we achieve orgasm or not. It still circulates blood, increases healthy hormone production, and helps couples bond to one another. Set a new goal: bonding and intimacy. Use that vibrator to make one another purr, and let purring be enough for a while.

Become a prop master. Pillows, pillows, pillows. If you spend any time in a hospital, you will notice that nurses really know how to use pillows to prop people into comfort in bed. Well, we can use them too, to prop us into comfortable positions for intimate caressing and lovemaking. We may not have needed them before surgeries or treatment, but may really need them now, when a slight change in position or angle may make a huge difference in comfort and painless lovemaking.

Patient exploration is the key. Most of us don’t know how our bodies will respond to treatment. Our mileage varies. So patiently exploring how treatment may have changed our sense of touch and taste and smell, in addition to pain and pleasure—this takes time. Be a scientist about it. Experiment, experiment, with all the patience of a field biologist!

Use a light touch. When we get chemo, our skin can become very sensitive. Chemo changes the epidermis of the skin. Our sense of touch shifts. That’s where things like feathers, mitts, and lotions become so important as tools for exploration, because your body is different on chemo. Figuring out those changes is the work ahead for both of you.

Some of the chemos are so toxic any intercourse would be too rough on fragile tissues. That’s a good time to think about a different form of expression, beyond intercourse. Find new ways to connect.

Wetness now, more than ever. Most women can’t handle intercourse during treatment. Chemotherapy can be very drying, and our skin, our vaginal tissues, are just too fragile. But if you are going to try intercourse during treatment, lubrication is extremely important. Try a lube that has a trace of silicone. I especially like Liquid Silk and Yes for this purpose. A little bit of silicone can give that lube sticking power. Too much is hard for a dry vagina to clear on its own.

Slow down. Pretend you are new lovers, virgins, even. Go very slowly. Be prepared to relearn everything about to make love to each other. Kissing can change. Taste can change. Relax, take interest, explore, report, and learn.

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Crank Up the Heat

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , , on September 30, 2011 |

It’s the third Friday of the month, and you know the script by heart—half-hearted foreplay, missionary position, a quick (or not-so-quick) denouement, and your partner’s already snoring while you’re thinking about tomorrow’s chores.

Routine is inevitable in long-term relationships. Routine can feel secure and orderly, but too much routine in the bedroom just feels boring. When you can anticipate every move, when you stay up late to avoid sex, when you wish your partner would just hurry up and get it over with, it’s time to hit “reset,” and crank up the heat with your honey.

It’s worth putting the effort into a good sexual relationship for all the reasons I mentioned in the last post. You’ll probably be spending your golden years with this person, and sexual intimacy (which includes kissing and cuddling) is at the heart of a healthy relationship outside the bedroom. Regular sex is also good for your health, and it’s good for your mental frame of mind. Besides, if you’re going to have sex, you might as well make it good.

But you can’t just jump in bed with sex toys in hand—lay the groundwork I discussed in the last post. Communicate. Try to understand your partner’s needs. Does he or she feel vulnerable? Uncertain? Inadequate? Bored?

Share fantasies. And keep an open mind. Anything new seems awkward and weird at first, but neither your mother nor your pastor is in the bedroom. This is sacred space for just the two of you.

Once you’ve both agreed to sweeten the honey pot, here are some ideas to heat things up:

  • Create a boudoir. Your bedroom should be a place for sleeping and for sex. It’s not the junk room, not the den, not the family photo gallery. Take out the distractions—including the television. Create a private, comfortable, beautiful space for the two of you to be together.
  • Write love letters. Leave notes for each other throughout the day. Make them more lusty as the day goes on. (We found some postcards you can use if you like.)
  • Fantasize. Talk about sexual things you’ve always wanted to do. Write down three for each of you. Put them in a hat and draw one. The other has to at least try. (Not sure where to start? We found these vows when we were looking for postcards!)
  • Focus on foreplay. Forget about scoring a home run. Get creative with the many ways of getting around the bases, from sexy undressing to intimate touching.
  • Focus on skin. Remember that big sex organ? Use that powerful sense of touch to explore your partner’s erogenous spots. Use textured objects, such as feathers or silk, to create new sensations and to stimulate sensitive nerves.
  • Swap roles. One of you is the “giver,” whose sole task is to pleasure the other. Pay attention to what feels good to your partner, how he or she responds to certain touch in certain places. Then switch roles—you get to be the receiver.
  • Change places. Make love in a different room, a different house, outdoors, in front of a mirror. “[Sex] is about the stimulation of your surroundings,” said Jane Seddon, author of Daily Sex in an interview with Cosmopolitan. “Doing it somewhere out of the norm adds an element of fun and makes you feel a little deviant.”
  • Stay healthy. Stress is a sex-killer, and it isn’t good for your health, either. Eat healthfully. Keep your weight under control. Exercise to maintain flexibility and to keep your joints healthy. You’ll be able to make love and do a whole lot more.

The goal, of course, isn’t to become sexual superstars, but simply to reestablish the connection and intimacy that was undoubtedly there in the beginning of your relationship. With decades of life experience behind you, the best is yet to come.

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Try a Little Forgiveness

Posted in The Good Stuff, tagged , , , on September 24, 2011 | 1 Comment »

By the time women reach midlife, we’ve experienced all kinds of things in our relationships, some good, some bad. It’s great to think back on the positive experiences once in a while, maybe even relive them from time to time.

For the negative experiences, that’s not such a good idea.

And the more serious the situation, the harder it is to not think about it. Maybe you’ve had to deal with an infidelity or some other kind of betrayal by your partner. If so, its lingering effects may very well be interfering with your ability to fully embrace your partner in a healthy–and even in a literal–way.

If you’re harboring resentment or anger over some past wrong, you need to address it. As psychotherapist and our relationship coach Mary Jo Rapini says on her blog, “When your relationship struggles with resentment, it can feel like you are sleeping with the enemy. The resentment is felt deeply by one of the partners, and although it is rarely discussed openly, the tension can be felt by anyone close to the couple.”

So how do you let go of it? Well, it’s forgiveness. Dr. Fred Luskin, a psychologist affiliated with Stanford University, has made the study of forgiveness his life’s work; he’s written several books on it. The first, Forgive for Good, is based on the successful workshops he conducts using a step-by-step process to teach people how to forgive.

His second book, Forgive for Love, was written specifically for husbands and wives, and came about, he explains, because so many of his workshop participants were women trying to forgive current or ex-husbands.

Dr. Luskin has done studies that show harboring feelings of resentment and anger is not good for us physically or emotionally. It means we’re in a constant state of stress and negativity. In lectures he often quotes Nelson Mandela: “Harboring resentment is liking drinking poison to kill your enemy.” In other words, it’s doing a lot more harm to you than it is to the person who hurt you.

His methods of letting go of anger are similar to stress management and include mind-over-matter techniques like visualization and focusing on positive thoughts rather than negative ones.

Mary Jo, too, advises readers who are angry to “make a peace with your past. Tell whoever hurt you how you feel about what happened.” She also says that “letting go of your ego and learning to forgive your partner for their flaws and weaknesses—as well as forgiving yourself for holding on to that anger—are two of the biggest obstacles to overcome when working through resentment.”

Learning to forgive may not be easy, but it’s worth a try. In fact, it can be a life-changing experience. Because it’s never too late to take action. And you’ll feel much better when you do.

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